I want to be GREAT!

I want to be great. I want to do great things. I want to be known in the streets and to be recognized for my awesome accomplishments. I want fame and fortune. I want everyone to know who I am when I walk in the door. I want people to know (or think) that I am richer than they are.

I want to change the world and be recognized for doing so.

I want my name in lights. I want to do the talk show circuit. I want to be friends with Jay-Z and Beyonce. I want my face on billboards, my name all over Mashable.com and the President to invite me to the white house for dinner. I want Dave Matthews type status.

I don't care how this happens. Through music, acting, a random act of virallity. By chance or hard work. I want it all and I want it right now.

But then I think...what would happen if this happened? Would I act any differently and if so, how and why?

It makes me think: I am well known in the streets. I have a great reputation and when I'm recognized it's not out of fear or resentment, it's with pleasure and acceptance. People know who I am when I walk through the door in my small little world. Whether it's the coffee shop or the local car mechanics, they know me and know I pay my bill respectively and am a nice person regardless of how much money is in my bank account or where I live.

To some people I am a celebrity.  The fact that I am friends with a few "famous" people gives me that sense of awe to a younger generation. Almost just enough to handle. I don't quite know what I would do with any more "fame". Some people think of me as a famous Los Angeles photographer and that's pretty rad. I should enjoy the fact that I can go out in public and enjoy my privacy.

I can and am changing the world around me. I don't need worldwide fame to help those around me. I'm already surrounded by so much need and opportunity to be awesome to others. My children's school is not beneath me to be a strong and driving force of positivity. My community and clients deserve this attention I'm trying to put into changing the entire world. My family deserves my unconditional love that I can so freely give to them. Even if it's not recognized on as grand scale, if I treat someone, anyone, everyone! like gold, with respect and equality then I've done what I can do as an individual to be great.

I guess what I'm saying is I need to refocus my wants and desires and remind myself that I can be a celebrity to my kids. I can be a philanthropist of my time to my community. I can have my name in lights as my name is in good standing with all those around me.

Do I want my gravestone to say "Famous Millionaire" or "Great Person To All"?

I have the tools necessary to change the world right now. As I continually strive to better myself I am changing the world around me. Jimmy Fallon may never invite me to play a silly game on his talk show but my kids will know for damn sure that their dad loves them. Oprah Winfrey may never have me to her estate for tea but my wife will feel unconditional love for our entire lifelong marriage. Africa may never receive a million dollar donation from me, but my girls' schools will receive my time and an unrelentless effort to better the education mine and other children will recieve.

I will continue to produce great art, but like most artist, probably won't be recognized until I'm dead. And I'm learning to be cool with that.

I'm still learning. Always learning.

I am pretty great.

Indie's Turkey Trot 2014

 

Donate to Indie's Turkey Trot! All proceeds go to her preschool, Sherman Oaks Co Op! 

www.shermanoakscoop.org

 Thanks in advance!

Marc, Stacey and Indie

Join the MOVEMBER MO-vement!

 

For the 3rd year in a row I will be participating in the MOVEMBER Challenge and growing out a sexy mustache. The last few years it's just been a beard, but this year I'm defying all odds (and my wife's wishes) and growin' out the stache. 

Of course, aside from my sexiness, don't forget the bigger purpose in all this; to raise money and awareness for men's health. Prostate and testicular cancer (BALLS!) are some of the biggest cancer issues men face in our world today. But with advanced research and early detection we can help change that. Cancer is near and dear to my heart as I lost my mom 9 years ago to Ovarian Cancer as as we're just now coming out of the Breast Cancer Awareness month that dominated October - it's time to move our focus to another diseases. Anyway awareness is good awareness.

Check out my page and donate here:

http://mobro.co/marcblackwell

More photos and stach-y-ness to come.

Cheers!
-marc

Children Attack Father

Did you see this? This poor father... I don't know what he did to deserve this but those children should be taught a lesson...

Srsly.

A Lot Has Come Up

A lot has come up in the past few weeks and days. It was only last Saturday that the wife and I had a huge argument, leading me down a path of mental destruction and a pity party for the ages.

Later on in the week our Landlord decides he wants to raise rent, bringing the question up of - California? This house? Cheaper rent? WTF ARE WE DOING? Today we found a place we might move in to if the new Landlords are trusty individuals.

Funny that I still have an issue saying the word "Landlord" because I have such connotations with the word, "Lord", I associate it with Jesus Christ, of whom I do not believe to be the actual son of God because I believe we are all "sons of god" and that his words were misconstrued and have been taken literally for thousands of years.

Perhaps those, my family included, haven't thought as much as I have. (and this is why they believe the christian religion) ((not to say they haven't thought, but they haven't thought THAT)

Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of done drugs.

Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of become sober.

Jesus H. Christ (a form of expression if nothing else these days) I'm adding more onto my brain's plate to think about.

And today, after a long, yet successful photo shoot, I lost the money that was paid to me. Fuck.

So my wife said the other day, "I don't think you would've married me if you hadn't of accidentally gotten me pregnant". Before she has said, and was correct in saying so, "you asked me to marry you when you were high". Her doubts, fears and accusations are all warranted, which make it hard to hear.

I love her. I have come to love this woman more than any other woman in my life. I know this, but sometimes it's hard to see it. I don't know why. I wish I could shower her with the love she deserves every waking moment of the day. I have fleeting thoughts of "I should buy her flowers just for the hell of it" but those moments pass in a flurry of tasks and chores and screaming kids and before I know it I haven't planned a date in over 2 months and she's telling me she doesn't think I love her.

Perhaps there are truths to her words. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I see my old friends back in our home town, getting drunk at the lake and having fun, while I am here breaking up fights over if one or the other child gets to watch their favorite television program. I don't know, I'm rambling.

I'm hoping writing some of this shit out helps my brain categorize the important shit and discard the unimportant.

Sometimes I have issues standing up for myself and my family. There is something I should do, but I'd rather suffer than face confrontation. (A reason I love my wife, she encourages/pushes me to be a bigger and stronger man and face those fears and stand up for what I know is right).

I'm a pessimistic bastard who is afraid of change and would rather spend more money living in a house my family is not happy in than downsize and save money to purchase a home one day we all will love.

I want to make more money but I make excuses, such as my children, to hinder me from doing so. Because I'm afraid of success? There is some truth to my words, that child raising hinders one from going out there and experimenting and charging forward with a career.

I go from one minute of being happy, to the next of being confused and depressed.

Confusions of an Addict: Am I REALLY an Addict?

Am I an addict? I'm sitting here, listening to Dave Matthews Band (Live at Radio City, one of my favorite albums) and I'm thinking ... am I really an addict?

Musically growing up with Dave I know the guy went through spouts with cocaine, cigarettes, and loves to drink - but he's not an addict. Or at least he doesn't call himself one. He's been drinking forever, and he's not an addict - I only drank for 10 years, how can I be so sure that I'm an addict?

How I wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person. But why? Why do I "punish" myself from not having a drink here and there? How I wish I could smoke casually, whenever I wanted, and leave it alone.

I even thought tonight, I bet I could control my smoking. I didn't quit and stop that many times. Why do I think I'm an addict? Am I really an addict? I'm not as addicted as some people. I wish I didn't have this stigma of being an addict always hanging over my head.

But I've been sober for over a year. Something, be it a higher power, or coming to a low spot in my life, made me go to a 12 step meeting. That means something right?

Do I believe in anything that's put in front of my face?

HERE - God, Christianity, the Bible - believe this.

Uh...OK.

HERE - You're an ADDICT, 12 step, - believe this.

Uh...OK.

I know I have addictive tendencies. I know that I was OBSESSED with weed. I know that I lovvvvved to drink, and drink a lot. I know that it caused issues in my life. I know it caused me to lie, cheat and steal. It hurt those close to me. It affected my life negatively.

Perhaps I should go back to the NA.ORG and take the test again...

1. Do you ever use alone? Yes
 2. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that
one particular drug was the problem? Yes
 3. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor
to obtain prescription drugs? Yes
 4. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? Yes
 5. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? Yes
 6. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? Yes
 7. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? Yes
 8. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was
or what it would do to you? Yes
 9. Has your job or school performance ever suffered
from the effects of your drug use? Yes
10. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? No
11. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? Yes
12. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of
your financial responsibilities? Yes
13. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? Yes
14. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital, or drug rehabilitation center because of your using? No
15. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? Yes
16. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? Yes
17. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? Yes
18. Do you ever question your own sanity? Yes
19. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? Yes
20. Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time
without drugs? Yes
21. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? Yes
22. Do you think a lot about drugs? Yes
23. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? Yes
24. Has using affected your sexual relationships? Yes
25. Have you ever taken drugs you didn’t prefer? Yes
26. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? Yes
27. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? Yes
28. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? Yes
29. Do you think you might have a drug problem? Yes

OK, ok ok... Jesus. Calm the fuck down. I haven't been arrested or to jail, a hospital or drug rehabilitation center because of my using but I answered yes to the rest.

Fuck it - I don't want to have a "disease". I don't want to be known as an addict. I want to be able to drink with my friends, toke up and play video games, sip a whiskey by the fire, have a beer in the summer time, drink wine with my wife...

But why? I don't need to. I've proved that this past year.

365 Days of Completey Sobriety

I never imagined I would be a drug addict. I still think that sounds a little harsh.

13 years after trying marijuana for the first time, I never thought I'd not smoke it for 365 days straight.

Today I have been sober from weed and alcohol for 365 days.

Writing to No One.

All day long I stare into a screen. A screen which provides me news, entertainment, laughter, joy, sadness, hope, inspiration, apathy, contempt and boredom.

Wether it's a 4 inch screen, a 9 inch screen, a 15 in screen, a 27 inch screen or a 54 inch screen - it doesn't matter. The soft glow of a computer has dominated my life. I sit like a zombie, staring, typing, reading, watching, scrolling.

The screen has taken over my life. It's radiance is killing my eyes and zapping my brain.

I rarely paint, I rarely talk, I rarely engage with other humans - as we're all doing the pretty much the same thing. Being social by being anti social. Staying informed within closed doors. Writing to no one, sharing with everyone. Lying, coercing, creating perceptions of the perfect world we attempt to pretend to live.

Only when I'm outside of the hum of a computer do I feel alive, yet I spend more than half of my life zoned out in the confines of an office chair. Only when I'm engaging with others face to face do I sincerely laugh, or think, or engage, yet I continue to sit and stare and click.

Click. Click. Click.

Type. Type. Type.

What did I do before this screen I barely remember? When I was only a young teenager did the computer come into my home. I'd wait patiently as the dial tone brought up e-mail, rarely of any importance. I'd sit in the dark, worried to be caught, as pixel by pixel of naked girls slowly appeared on the screen. I'd start conversations with strangers in chat rooms and build fake relationships with random people, many of whom I can't remember nor do I want to. In high school there was a computer in every room, in college they gave us our own laptops, in my professional career I take a picture digitally, look at the screen and spend countless hours clicking, sliding, typing to deliver digital images to clients. Everything is digital.

Only the food I eat, the air I breathe, the water I drink, the furniture I sit on is real. Is this all real? What happens when the cloud fades away? What happens when there is no electricity to power our second brains? What happens when an earthquake hits and swallows up all the electronics? What happens when Google Glass is second nature, robots make everything we own and we're in more of a digital trance then we are now?

How do I break this addiction to the screen? I see children, often time my own, entranced with silly games, digitally conversing with their friends, wasting countless hours watching dulling videos, shows and using important brain power with worthless noise.

Only when I'm outside enjoying nature do I feel alive. The embrace of my wife, of my children, the hug of a friend or the eye contact with a stranger reminds me I'm human. That I have the most powerful computer inside of my own head. That the intricate workings on my body continue to work only by being recharged by natural sleep and consumption of natural fuel. The universe continues to work no matter if my phone is charged. The sun still shines regardless if my computer turns on. Birds still sing, plants still grow, rain still comes regardless if I'm caught up on the latest episode of Mad Men. My children continue to grow regardless if my inbox is down to 0. My wife still loves, and needs love, regardless of the next Facebook post. The world is still beautiful wether or not I share it on Instagram.

These are all things I need to be reminded of as I'm just a few clicks from turning off the machines for the day. 

Mass Confusion

It's another day - where I'm in the middle of laundry, I've got projects around the house to complete, and just a tiny bit of photography work to accomplish today.

But I want to do so much more. I want to pull out the Wacom tablet and digitally paint. I want to pull out the oils and get lost in a small canvas and pay attention to detail. I want to play Minecraft (we're being honest, right?). I need to work on my "steps", I need to file my taxes, organize shit for our garage sale, put contacts into MailChimp and I'm not even trying to put these in any kind of logistical order because that's how my brain is going these days.

I'm almost 30 (Philip DeFranco) and I think of those that have done something great before this age or that started doing something at 29 that became great, (Shay Carl)...

What am I going to do?

Don't get me wrong - I know what I'm doing is important... raising 2 babies. But even then I know I can be doing it so much better than I am. I know keeping our clothes clean, and butts wiped and mouths fed is muy importante but I want to change the world! When will it happen? Must I be patient and do something great in retirement? Or will I be the inventor of the next great app that changes lives?

I want to start a blog / finish a blog. I want to start a video series. I want to build up our H.E.L.P project. I want to blog more for our photography. I want to finish the children's book I haven't started yet.

There's so much to do and so little determination and/or time to do it!

Overwhelmed to say the least

I'm coming up on 7 months without a puff or a sip. And in 7 months my life has changed dramatically. For the better. But also for the crazier.

Right now I have so much on my plate. From family, to work, to relationships to my sobriety.

My wife and I decided to get pregnant, and before we knew it - we were. After many pregnancy tests and weeks if not months of "are we? or are we not?" a faint line showed up on a test and we celebrated. Due to the holidays we couldn't get to a doctor and almost a week after our joy and excitement had started to settle in, Stacey started to bleed. Not a lot, but enough for concern. And after a day, and a night when it got worse, we went to the E.R. to hear that she was having a miscarriage. Distraught and emotional, we waited days until we could get to her OBGYN. Upon meeting with him, he told us that he could not diagnose what the doctor at the ER told us, and he needed to do tests on my wife's blood. So we took it, he gave us the levels, told us to come back and do the test again and see if they (the HCG levels) went up. Today, we got word that they indeed did go up but not as much as he would like to see. More tests are needed. We're in a state of limbo. "Are we? Are we not?" Again. We thought we were, we thought we weren't, we thought we might be, now we're not sure what to think.

My wife lay sleeping in the next room, finally peaceful from an emotional day and I see her there sleeping and I'm scared. I'm scared for that little embryo inside of her, I'm scared for her, and I'm scared for our little family. If nothing comes to fruition than we'll try again - but this has taken a tole on us. Luckily, I'm not using and can handle the trauma, but it's tough. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to constantly hear about it and not know whether to be excited, to be mournful, to be hopeful or to be joyful. It is out of our control...completely. And I've been in this situation before - with my mom - to not know. To expect the worse but be playing the waiting game for test results and to be helpless.

While this is going on the biggest gig of my career lay on my computer, awaiting a ever pending deadline. I got a call today, moments before my wife called to tell me the doctor reported her HCG levels went up, that the deadline is being pushed forward to less than 2 weeks from today. I was already pushing it to complete everything on time and now they've changed the name of their college completely, need new logos, new type, new banners, new graphics and everything has to be rebranded on top of everything else that needs to be completed.

The most valuable lesson I learned in my short stint at college was to say "yes", and to convince the client that I have it all under control. That's what they're paying me for, and that's what I've done. But looking at the tasks that lay before me is daunting. 

Procrastination and Self Destruction

I struggle with two things as of late. Really. Only two things. (I'm being sarcastic), the two things I notice lately are procrastination and self destruction.

I procrastinate like it's my job. And it's probably what I've been used to doing for the past, oh, I dunno, 10 years. While I smoked weed, my daily motivation was to get high. Work until after lunch, and you can smoke a joint. Do all the work you need to get done and you can get drunk as shit tonight as a reward. Even then, probably due to the distraction that marijauna came with, I didn't do everything in a timely fashion. Hell, I procrastinated writing this little "blog" post, if I even make it public.

But I knew that I should write about it - because if I did, I could get a better grasp on what is making me procrastinate in the first place. But it's taken me until 11:11 pm tonight to get around to it. And there are a lot of really good reasons for it - the kids distract, I had real paid work to get done, I went out for a friends birthday party. And what's funny, that I jsut realized from writing, is that procrastination leads to more self destruction. But more on self destruction later.

I will wait days, weeks, MONTHS even to complete a job that takes an hour, or even half a hour. Take burning these DVDs and putting them in the mail. I promised I would do it 2 weeks ago - but didn't do it until today. And it took an hour tops. I didn't even have to go to the post office, which was my main deterrent in motivation. Another client wanted a collage, something I promised almost a month ago, and it took me a whole 20 minutes to make, upload, and e-mail to her. WTF?

Here I am, running my own business, wanting to be successful, wanting to make clients happy, but there's some deficiency in me that makes me procrastinate which I know, is hurting me slowly but surely. I don't get it. Other people do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in their power, in a timely and orderly fashion, and they are more successful. I know what it takes - I just don't do it.

Which leads me to being self destructive. For the longest time I smoked and drank like a chimney fish. After I quit smoking weed and drinking I still decided to smoke cigarettes. It's only now, tonight, that I feel I am not as self destructive as I once was. I haven't had a cigarette in ... well, long enough that I can't recall off the top of my head when I had one, but no more than a week. I still have destructive tendencies abundant. I will play video games until 2 in the morning when I know my children are going to wake me up at 6:45. I will eat shitty, greasy food and drink dark soda when I know that shit isn't going to make me feel good or help me live a long and healthy life. I procrastinate, which is a form of self destructiveness when you get down to it. It hurts my business, which hurts my career, which hurts my attitude, which affects my children and my wife. WHY? Why do I continue to self destruct?

Since the absence of weed and alcohol, I do feel less self destructive. And after running 11 days in a row, starting push ups and crunches tonight, I'm feeling better about the path I'm taking.

I want to live a long and prosperous life. I want to be around for my grandkids, and not attached to a breathing machine for a decade. I don't want to get cancer, I don't want to be out of shape or unhealthy. I want to have money for retirement and save money for my kid's education. I know these things. So why is it so hard to do the things that help me achieve my goals? When did the switch get switched to "Self Destruct"? It's time to turn it back to "Create" and "Prosper".

Part of me used to think it was the 'artist'. For whatever reason I thought artists needed to have self inflicted pain in order for their art to be "good". I dunno where that came from...

That's all I got.

MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - WHITE WALLS - FEAT. SCHOOLBOY Q AND HOLLIS (OF...

Jammin' to this song presently and I love it. I love everything Macklemore and Ryan Lewis...


These lyrics are off the hizzy! One day I'll write somethin' like this;

Man I’m lounging in some shit Bernie Mac would’ve been proud in
Looking down from heaven like damn that’s stylish
Smilin’, don’t pay attention to the mileage
Can I hit the freeway? I’m elegantly going 120
Easy weaving in and out of the traffic
They cannot catch me, I’m smashing
I’m ducking, bucking them out here
I’m looking fucking fantastic, I am up in a classic
Now I know what it’s like under the city lights
Riding into the night, driving over the bridge
The same one we walked across as kids
Knew I’d have a whip but never one like this
Old school, old school, candy paint, two seater
Yea, I’m from Seattle, there’s hella Honda Civics
I couldn’t tell you about paint either
But I really wanted a Caddy so I put in the hours
And roll on over to the dealer
And I found the car I dreamed of, junior, there's a problem with this geezer
Got the keys in and as I was leaving I started screaming...


I got that off-black Cadillac, midnight drive
Got that gas pedal, leaning back, taking my time
I’m rolling that roof off, letting in sky
I shine, the city never looked so bright
Something about this entire album has inspired me over the summer. Good stuff. Do you like Macklemore and Ryan Lewis? What's your favorite song?

Cheers!
-marc

MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - WHITE WALLS - FEAT. SCHOOLBOY Q AND HOLLIS (OF...

Jammin' to this song presently and I love it. I love everything Macklemore and Ryan Lewis...

These lyrics are off the hizzy! One day I'll write somethin' like this;

Man I’m lounging in some shit Bernie Mac would’ve been proud in
Looking down from heaven like damn that’s stylish
Smilin’, don’t pay attention to the mileage
Can I hit the freeway? I’m elegantly going 120
Easy weaving in and out of the traffic
They cannot catch me, I’m smashing
I’m ducking, bucking them out here
I’m looking fucking fantastic, I am up in a classic
Now I know what it’s like under the city lights
Riding into the night, driving over the bridge
The same one we walked across as kids
Knew I’d have a whip but never one like this
Old school, old school, candy paint, two seater
Yea, I’m from Seattle, there’s hella Honda Civics
I couldn’t tell you about paint either
But I really wanted a Caddy so I put in the hours
And roll on over to the dealer
And I found the car I dreamed of, junior, there's a problem with this geezer
Got the keys in and as I was leaving I started screaming...

I got that off-black Cadillac, midnight drive
Got that gas pedal, leaning back, taking my time
I’m rolling that roof off, letting in sky
I shine, the city never looked so bright

101 Days

Testing

Sobriety Day 60

It has been 60 days. 1 month and 30 days since I last had a sip of alcohol or a hit of weed.

It feels good ... but I can't say that I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement.

A lot has happened in 60 days. I've got a sponsor, I've completed the 1st step, I've attended at least 2 meetings a week. I've gone on vacation with my family and out with my friends, I've heard negative rumors on behalf of my sobriety and still gotten in arguments with my wife. I've had blow ups, melt downs, tears of joy and moments of pride & satisfaction. I've experienced suicide, mis-carriage of close friends, witnessed a scary car accident, stopped and started smoking cigarettes and a whole lot more in between.

I feel like I'm still on a path to self destruction. Procrastination and laziness are still evil enemies on the home front. Lack of productivity fills my days - there are days when I don't do JACK SHIT. I mean, I know I'm raising my children - but I feel like I suck at that too.

I've been in a weird, somber, just ... whatever mode lately. Not happy, not sad, just in my own head.

I haven't been a very good husband lately. I sit in my office at night while my poor wife sits on the couch on her laptop. Technology could be blamed. I could be blamed. My piss poor attitude could be blamed.

I feel anger towards myself that I wasn't able to control my using. If only I could control how often I smoke and how much I drink. If only I could've controlled how often I smoked and how much I drank. If only I wasn't such an irresponsible douche bag that only thought about pot and let it get in the way of my family and friends. Now the lack of using is getting in the way of my relationships. I'm so confused.

Step two is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"... that makes more sense after 10 minutes of writing than it has in 2 weeks. I need to be restored to sanity. I need help from a Higher Power.

But it's tough because I feel like I was so involved with a God of my father, the Church of Christ Christian God that it's hard for me to find my own personal higher power. I'm reluctant to accept a higher power. I can only think that "he" is "God/Yaweh/Jesus Christ" - and I don't believe in that God any more.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer. One that could be applied to all aspects of thinking. I need to accept that I was powerless (still am), that my life had become unmanageable because of my using, and that I can muster up the courage to change my thinking. I can change my attitude about the whole higher power thing, I can become a better husband, I can be a better father. These are all things I can change.

I just need to figure out how. And not just think that. It seems like every night I go outside to smoke a cigarette before bed and I ask myself "wtf am I doing?" What am I doing w/ my life? I need to come up with a plan. A plan of action.

But I'll come up with that later.

Sobriety Day 43

It's been 0.11 Years 1.38 months, 43 days and 1030 hours since I lost smoked pot. Hell, since I last had even a SIP of alcohol.

Who the fuck am I?

I'm sitting here, alone, at my desk in front of my computer in my office where at least since we moved into this house in October, I sat and got stoned every night. I would sit and watch stupid youtube videos, or peruse Facebook/Google + - I would play Minecraft until a certain time, go smoke again, drink more, and just deprive myself of anything positive until I was so stone, so drunk, or so tired (or all three) and pass out. I would pass out at my computer! Wake up at 3 or 4 am and stumble to bed where I wreaked of weed and alcohol only to be awoken a few hours later by my completely sober children who were/are young, vibrant, energetic and ready to go from the second their eye lids open.

43 days. I haven't done anything for 43 consistent days. Stacey is happier, my kids don't bother me as much - and if they do I can control the emotions . . . let them run their course.

There have been times when emotions arise, and I have to deal with them instead of suppressing them via pot. I've had break downs, blow ups, melt downs and fuck ups - but I've seen them through a clear head. Well...semi clear. I fill like my head is filling up with ideas, emotions, content and a lot of other positive stuff that I've been suppressing for the last 10 years.

I have a sponsor. I've been consistently going to meetings. I'm almost through w/ my first step - admitting I am completely powerless of marijuana and that my life had become completely unmanageable. Hell yeah it was. I feel good about my recovery - but recognize the long road ahead. But one day at a time - right?

I went to a Family Tree meeting where my sponsor's sponsor was there, and a bunch of other sponsors/sponsees were there - just a dozen addicts/guys or so all being honest around a fire. It was surreal and beautiful and inspiring.

I've had run ins with my higher power. I was upset with the girls, I was crying in their closet, wanting to get high, just fucked up and stressed out. My sponsor called me right in that moment and was able to talk to me. Was able to understand what the fuck I was going through - and helped me get out of it. It was my higher power. What timing! I'm on my fucking ass, crying, sobing like I haven't sobbed in years (it's those fucking emotions coming out) and boom - my phone rings. "How ya doin' man?" "Not good... not good at all." After 20 minutes on the phone I felt I could handle the rest of the day and my confidence was back that I at least would not get high that day.

I'm a new man. A better man. A stronger, more confident, smarter, better looking, healthier, productive man. I love it.

I still mourn my vices. I still miss the feeling of being all out drunk and stoned. I'm looking for ways to fill that void - running is one. Yoga will be another when I find the fucking time to get to a class.

But life is good at 43 days. I've met a lot of really cool people who inspire me, challenge me, and that means a lot. I'm looking forward to getting my 60 day chip, my 90 day chip, my 1 year chip, 2 and so on. But just for today - at least the rest of tonight, for the next 55 minutes until midnight when I'll probably go to bed - I won't get high. And that's all that matters right now, in this moment. Life on life's term - one minute at a time.

Sobriety Day 20

It's been a whirlwind of emotions, meetings, and long days. So much to write and so little comprehension on how to put it into writing.

Being sober is trippy. Like, I took a year off of pot before, but I drank whiskey like a mother fucker. This is 20 days dry, smoke free, and hallucinogenic free. I've been to several meetings, maybe not as many as I should. In fact - I just looked up some AA meetings but the damn website aint working. Writing will be my meeting tonight.

I've shared at a few meetings, well pretty much every meeting I've been too in the past 2 weeks. I even led a meeting - which basically consists of reading the piece of paper they hand you. But everyone makes eye contact with you.

I need a sponsor. I need to start working the steps. I see a long road ahead of me. I mean, really? I can't drink? Is can't the right word? I won't drink?

Maybe I should start a public, anonymous blog. Something that is public, but no one knows it's me. Jesus, I can't write. I've mispelled every other word. I even mis-spelled mis-eplled. WTF?!

I haven't really been around weed. I don't really have the urge to get high. I don't even know how I would act, or what I would do. I'd probably just sit around hating myself inside of my own head. But I'd hafta go behind my wife's back and lie to her - which I haven't done since I stopped smoking. Hell - I even admit I flirt with bartenders. Ha. Guess that won't be happening now.

Music sounds gooooood. I haven't heard music like this in a while. I feel like I could write music.

There's so much I want to do, but so little time. I'm so tired after my kids are in bed, and after I spend time with my wife to do much. I want to paint, I want to play guitar, I want to record an album, I want to play video games, I want to focus on my business. I want to start a new blog - to watch movies - to mediate.

I think it's going to be harder to not drink. Really? I can't drink ever again? I mean - I understand it, I guess... sort of. If I drink, get drunk, los ambitions, I may smoke weed. And if I have a hit of weed it's all gone. All 20 days, plus 4 years of marriage down the drain. Who would give me a hit of weed? I'm sure I could find it at a party - but fuuuuckkk I would get so high there's no way I could hide it. And I don't want to hide anything. So ok - don't drink. Even if I'm in my own home though? And there is no weed? And only a glass of wine at dinner? But really? Would it really only be a glass? I mean - there would be a whole 'nother bottle. And there's a shit ton of bottles 3 blocks down the street at the liquor store. To cure the disease, never let the culprit into you body. At all.

Fuck.

A nice cold beer sounded great today in the heat. Or a sparkling glass of cold champagne.

I think I'm mourning the loss of my usage. As much as I don't want to smoke or drink it's like I lost a friend. 

Sobriety Day 16

It's been 16 days since I've smoked weed or had a drink of alcohol.

16 long, interesting, beautiful, challenging, days of sobriety. I haven't gone this long in geeze, I dunno how long.

Since I've last written I've been to more meetings, I've SHARED at meetings and have become a better person.

I want to meditate. 

Good vs. Bad

My awesome nephew, Mr. Jaxon, age 8, made this awesome movie! What a creative little guy he is.

Indie is 2 Years Old!