Sobriety Day 20

It's been a whirlwind of emotions, meetings, and long days. So much to write and so little comprehension on how to put it into writing.

Being sober is trippy. Like, I took a year off of pot before, but I drank whiskey like a mother fucker. This is 20 days dry, smoke free, and hallucinogenic free. I've been to several meetings, maybe not as many as I should. In fact - I just looked up some AA meetings but the damn website aint working. Writing will be my meeting tonight.

I've shared at a few meetings, well pretty much every meeting I've been too in the past 2 weeks. I even led a meeting - which basically consists of reading the piece of paper they hand you. But everyone makes eye contact with you.

I need a sponsor. I need to start working the steps. I see a long road ahead of me. I mean, really? I can't drink? Is can't the right word? I won't drink?

Maybe I should start a public, anonymous blog. Something that is public, but no one knows it's me. Jesus, I can't write. I've mispelled every other word. I even mis-spelled mis-eplled. WTF?!

I haven't really been around weed. I don't really have the urge to get high. I don't even know how I would act, or what I would do. I'd probably just sit around hating myself inside of my own head. But I'd hafta go behind my wife's back and lie to her - which I haven't done since I stopped smoking. Hell - I even admit I flirt with bartenders. Ha. Guess that won't be happening now.

Music sounds gooooood. I haven't heard music like this in a while. I feel like I could write music.

There's so much I want to do, but so little time. I'm so tired after my kids are in bed, and after I spend time with my wife to do much. I want to paint, I want to play guitar, I want to record an album, I want to play video games, I want to focus on my business. I want to start a new blog - to watch movies - to mediate.

I think it's going to be harder to not drink. Really? I can't drink ever again? I mean - I understand it, I guess... sort of. If I drink, get drunk, los ambitions, I may smoke weed. And if I have a hit of weed it's all gone. All 20 days, plus 4 years of marriage down the drain. Who would give me a hit of weed? I'm sure I could find it at a party - but fuuuuckkk I would get so high there's no way I could hide it. And I don't want to hide anything. So ok - don't drink. Even if I'm in my own home though? And there is no weed? And only a glass of wine at dinner? But really? Would it really only be a glass? I mean - there would be a whole 'nother bottle. And there's a shit ton of bottles 3 blocks down the street at the liquor store. To cure the disease, never let the culprit into you body. At all.

Fuck.

A nice cold beer sounded great today in the heat. Or a sparkling glass of cold champagne.

I think I'm mourning the loss of my usage. As much as I don't want to smoke or drink it's like I lost a friend. 

Malibu Nights

Last night was one of those chill family nights you know you'll remember for a long time.

After mom got off work at 5 she picked us up and we rushed to Zuma Beach in Malibu for a photo shoot. It was perfect conditions, not too cold, golden hour, and the family of 4 I was photographing was dressed to a T. The shoot went great and ended just after the sun went below the ocean and as we all were getting a little chilly.

We hopped in the swagger wagon and drove down the PCH to the World Famous Malibu Inn. After warming up and filling our bellies we heard live music coming from the next room. Z and I headed over to check it out and we found 3 old "vets" jammin' out to an almost empty room. Zoe's face instantly lit up, she pointed to the guitar and said "Dada? Guitar?" I told her she was correct and that this guitar player was a helluva lot better than daddy. She smiled, asked to get down; "Down Dada" and she started dancing.

The girl danced for like 30 minutes straight! We let her stay up past her bedtime to do so! And I think it made the musicians' night, since there was no one there. :) It was a beautiful moment.

Cheers!
-marc