A lot has come up in the past few weeks and days. It was only last Saturday that the wife and I had a huge argument, leading me down a path of mental destruction and a pity party for the ages.
Later on in the week our Landlord decides he wants to raise rent, bringing the question up of - California? This house? Cheaper rent? WTF ARE WE DOING? Today we found a place we might move in to if the new Landlords are trusty individuals.
Funny that I still have an issue saying the word "Landlord" because I have such connotations with the word, "Lord", I associate it with Jesus Christ, of whom I do not believe to be the actual son of God because I believe we are all "sons of god" and that his words were misconstrued and have been taken literally for thousands of years.
Perhaps those, my family included, haven't thought as much as I have. (and this is why they believe the christian religion) ((not to say they haven't thought, but they haven't thought THAT)
Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of done drugs.
Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of become sober.
Jesus H. Christ (a form of expression if nothing else these days) I'm adding more onto my brain's plate to think about.
And today, after a long, yet successful photo shoot, I lost the money that was paid to me. Fuck.
So my wife said the other day, "I don't think you would've married me if you hadn't of accidentally gotten me pregnant". Before she has said, and was correct in saying so, "you asked me to marry you when you were high". Her doubts, fears and accusations are all warranted, which make it hard to hear.
I love her. I have come to love this woman more than any other woman in my life. I know this, but sometimes it's hard to see it. I don't know why. I wish I could shower her with the love she deserves every waking moment of the day. I have fleeting thoughts of "I should buy her flowers just for the hell of it" but those moments pass in a flurry of tasks and chores and screaming kids and before I know it I haven't planned a date in over 2 months and she's telling me she doesn't think I love her.
Perhaps there are truths to her words. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I see my old friends back in our home town, getting drunk at the lake and having fun, while I am here breaking up fights over if one or the other child gets to watch their favorite television program. I don't know, I'm rambling.
I'm hoping writing some of this shit out helps my brain categorize the important shit and discard the unimportant.
Sometimes I have issues standing up for myself and my family. There is something I should do, but I'd rather suffer than face confrontation. (A reason I love my wife, she encourages/pushes me to be a bigger and stronger man and face those fears and stand up for what I know is right).
I'm a pessimistic bastard who is afraid of change and would rather spend more money living in a house my family is not happy in than downsize and save money to purchase a home one day we all will love.
I want to make more money but I make excuses, such as my children, to hinder me from doing so. Because I'm afraid of success? There is some truth to my words, that child raising hinders one from going out there and experimenting and charging forward with a career.
I go from one minute of being happy, to the next of being confused and depressed.
Later on in the week our Landlord decides he wants to raise rent, bringing the question up of - California? This house? Cheaper rent? WTF ARE WE DOING? Today we found a place we might move in to if the new Landlords are trusty individuals.
Funny that I still have an issue saying the word "Landlord" because I have such connotations with the word, "Lord", I associate it with Jesus Christ, of whom I do not believe to be the actual son of God because I believe we are all "sons of god" and that his words were misconstrued and have been taken literally for thousands of years.
Perhaps those, my family included, haven't thought as much as I have. (and this is why they believe the christian religion) ((not to say they haven't thought, but they haven't thought THAT)
Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of done drugs.
Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of become sober.
Jesus H. Christ (a form of expression if nothing else these days) I'm adding more onto my brain's plate to think about.
And today, after a long, yet successful photo shoot, I lost the money that was paid to me. Fuck.
So my wife said the other day, "I don't think you would've married me if you hadn't of accidentally gotten me pregnant". Before she has said, and was correct in saying so, "you asked me to marry you when you were high". Her doubts, fears and accusations are all warranted, which make it hard to hear.
I love her. I have come to love this woman more than any other woman in my life. I know this, but sometimes it's hard to see it. I don't know why. I wish I could shower her with the love she deserves every waking moment of the day. I have fleeting thoughts of "I should buy her flowers just for the hell of it" but those moments pass in a flurry of tasks and chores and screaming kids and before I know it I haven't planned a date in over 2 months and she's telling me she doesn't think I love her.
Perhaps there are truths to her words. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I see my old friends back in our home town, getting drunk at the lake and having fun, while I am here breaking up fights over if one or the other child gets to watch their favorite television program. I don't know, I'm rambling.
I'm hoping writing some of this shit out helps my brain categorize the important shit and discard the unimportant.
Sometimes I have issues standing up for myself and my family. There is something I should do, but I'd rather suffer than face confrontation. (A reason I love my wife, she encourages/pushes me to be a bigger and stronger man and face those fears and stand up for what I know is right).
I'm a pessimistic bastard who is afraid of change and would rather spend more money living in a house my family is not happy in than downsize and save money to purchase a home one day we all will love.
I want to make more money but I make excuses, such as my children, to hinder me from doing so. Because I'm afraid of success? There is some truth to my words, that child raising hinders one from going out there and experimenting and charging forward with a career.
I go from one minute of being happy, to the next of being confused and depressed.
