Procrastination and Self Destruction

I struggle with two things as of late. Really. Only two things. (I'm being sarcastic), the two things I notice lately are procrastination and self destruction.

I procrastinate like it's my job. And it's probably what I've been used to doing for the past, oh, I dunno, 10 years. While I smoked weed, my daily motivation was to get high. Work until after lunch, and you can smoke a joint. Do all the work you need to get done and you can get drunk as shit tonight as a reward. Even then, probably due to the distraction that marijauna came with, I didn't do everything in a timely fashion. Hell, I procrastinated writing this little "blog" post, if I even make it public.

But I knew that I should write about it - because if I did, I could get a better grasp on what is making me procrastinate in the first place. But it's taken me until 11:11 pm tonight to get around to it. And there are a lot of really good reasons for it - the kids distract, I had real paid work to get done, I went out for a friends birthday party. And what's funny, that I jsut realized from writing, is that procrastination leads to more self destruction. But more on self destruction later.

I will wait days, weeks, MONTHS even to complete a job that takes an hour, or even half a hour. Take burning these DVDs and putting them in the mail. I promised I would do it 2 weeks ago - but didn't do it until today. And it took an hour tops. I didn't even have to go to the post office, which was my main deterrent in motivation. Another client wanted a collage, something I promised almost a month ago, and it took me a whole 20 minutes to make, upload, and e-mail to her. WTF?

Here I am, running my own business, wanting to be successful, wanting to make clients happy, but there's some deficiency in me that makes me procrastinate which I know, is hurting me slowly but surely. I don't get it. Other people do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in their power, in a timely and orderly fashion, and they are more successful. I know what it takes - I just don't do it.

Which leads me to being self destructive. For the longest time I smoked and drank like a chimney fish. After I quit smoking weed and drinking I still decided to smoke cigarettes. It's only now, tonight, that I feel I am not as self destructive as I once was. I haven't had a cigarette in ... well, long enough that I can't recall off the top of my head when I had one, but no more than a week. I still have destructive tendencies abundant. I will play video games until 2 in the morning when I know my children are going to wake me up at 6:45. I will eat shitty, greasy food and drink dark soda when I know that shit isn't going to make me feel good or help me live a long and healthy life. I procrastinate, which is a form of self destructiveness when you get down to it. It hurts my business, which hurts my career, which hurts my attitude, which affects my children and my wife. WHY? Why do I continue to self destruct?

Since the absence of weed and alcohol, I do feel less self destructive. And after running 11 days in a row, starting push ups and crunches tonight, I'm feeling better about the path I'm taking.

I want to live a long and prosperous life. I want to be around for my grandkids, and not attached to a breathing machine for a decade. I don't want to get cancer, I don't want to be out of shape or unhealthy. I want to have money for retirement and save money for my kid's education. I know these things. So why is it so hard to do the things that help me achieve my goals? When did the switch get switched to "Self Destruct"? It's time to turn it back to "Create" and "Prosper".

Part of me used to think it was the 'artist'. For whatever reason I thought artists needed to have self inflicted pain in order for their art to be "good". I dunno where that came from...

That's all I got.

MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - WHITE WALLS - FEAT. SCHOOLBOY Q AND HOLLIS (OF...

Jammin' to this song presently and I love it. I love everything Macklemore and Ryan Lewis...


These lyrics are off the hizzy! One day I'll write somethin' like this;

Man I’m lounging in some shit Bernie Mac would’ve been proud in
Looking down from heaven like damn that’s stylish
Smilin’, don’t pay attention to the mileage
Can I hit the freeway? I’m elegantly going 120
Easy weaving in and out of the traffic
They cannot catch me, I’m smashing
I’m ducking, bucking them out here
I’m looking fucking fantastic, I am up in a classic
Now I know what it’s like under the city lights
Riding into the night, driving over the bridge
The same one we walked across as kids
Knew I’d have a whip but never one like this
Old school, old school, candy paint, two seater
Yea, I’m from Seattle, there’s hella Honda Civics
I couldn’t tell you about paint either
But I really wanted a Caddy so I put in the hours
And roll on over to the dealer
And I found the car I dreamed of, junior, there's a problem with this geezer
Got the keys in and as I was leaving I started screaming...


I got that off-black Cadillac, midnight drive
Got that gas pedal, leaning back, taking my time
I’m rolling that roof off, letting in sky
I shine, the city never looked so bright
Something about this entire album has inspired me over the summer. Good stuff. Do you like Macklemore and Ryan Lewis? What's your favorite song?

Cheers!
-marc

MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - WHITE WALLS - FEAT. SCHOOLBOY Q AND HOLLIS (OF...

Jammin' to this song presently and I love it. I love everything Macklemore and Ryan Lewis...

These lyrics are off the hizzy! One day I'll write somethin' like this;

Man I’m lounging in some shit Bernie Mac would’ve been proud in
Looking down from heaven like damn that’s stylish
Smilin’, don’t pay attention to the mileage
Can I hit the freeway? I’m elegantly going 120
Easy weaving in and out of the traffic
They cannot catch me, I’m smashing
I’m ducking, bucking them out here
I’m looking fucking fantastic, I am up in a classic
Now I know what it’s like under the city lights
Riding into the night, driving over the bridge
The same one we walked across as kids
Knew I’d have a whip but never one like this
Old school, old school, candy paint, two seater
Yea, I’m from Seattle, there’s hella Honda Civics
I couldn’t tell you about paint either
But I really wanted a Caddy so I put in the hours
And roll on over to the dealer
And I found the car I dreamed of, junior, there's a problem with this geezer
Got the keys in and as I was leaving I started screaming...

I got that off-black Cadillac, midnight drive
Got that gas pedal, leaning back, taking my time
I’m rolling that roof off, letting in sky
I shine, the city never looked so bright

101 Days

Testing

Sobriety Day 60

It has been 60 days. 1 month and 30 days since I last had a sip of alcohol or a hit of weed.

It feels good ... but I can't say that I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement.

A lot has happened in 60 days. I've got a sponsor, I've completed the 1st step, I've attended at least 2 meetings a week. I've gone on vacation with my family and out with my friends, I've heard negative rumors on behalf of my sobriety and still gotten in arguments with my wife. I've had blow ups, melt downs, tears of joy and moments of pride & satisfaction. I've experienced suicide, mis-carriage of close friends, witnessed a scary car accident, stopped and started smoking cigarettes and a whole lot more in between.

I feel like I'm still on a path to self destruction. Procrastination and laziness are still evil enemies on the home front. Lack of productivity fills my days - there are days when I don't do JACK SHIT. I mean, I know I'm raising my children - but I feel like I suck at that too.

I've been in a weird, somber, just ... whatever mode lately. Not happy, not sad, just in my own head.

I haven't been a very good husband lately. I sit in my office at night while my poor wife sits on the couch on her laptop. Technology could be blamed. I could be blamed. My piss poor attitude could be blamed.

I feel anger towards myself that I wasn't able to control my using. If only I could control how often I smoke and how much I drink. If only I could've controlled how often I smoked and how much I drank. If only I wasn't such an irresponsible douche bag that only thought about pot and let it get in the way of my family and friends. Now the lack of using is getting in the way of my relationships. I'm so confused.

Step two is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"... that makes more sense after 10 minutes of writing than it has in 2 weeks. I need to be restored to sanity. I need help from a Higher Power.

But it's tough because I feel like I was so involved with a God of my father, the Church of Christ Christian God that it's hard for me to find my own personal higher power. I'm reluctant to accept a higher power. I can only think that "he" is "God/Yaweh/Jesus Christ" - and I don't believe in that God any more.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer. One that could be applied to all aspects of thinking. I need to accept that I was powerless (still am), that my life had become unmanageable because of my using, and that I can muster up the courage to change my thinking. I can change my attitude about the whole higher power thing, I can become a better husband, I can be a better father. These are all things I can change.

I just need to figure out how. And not just think that. It seems like every night I go outside to smoke a cigarette before bed and I ask myself "wtf am I doing?" What am I doing w/ my life? I need to come up with a plan. A plan of action.

But I'll come up with that later.

Sobriety Day 43

It's been 0.11 Years 1.38 months, 43 days and 1030 hours since I lost smoked pot. Hell, since I last had even a SIP of alcohol.

Who the fuck am I?

I'm sitting here, alone, at my desk in front of my computer in my office where at least since we moved into this house in October, I sat and got stoned every night. I would sit and watch stupid youtube videos, or peruse Facebook/Google + - I would play Minecraft until a certain time, go smoke again, drink more, and just deprive myself of anything positive until I was so stone, so drunk, or so tired (or all three) and pass out. I would pass out at my computer! Wake up at 3 or 4 am and stumble to bed where I wreaked of weed and alcohol only to be awoken a few hours later by my completely sober children who were/are young, vibrant, energetic and ready to go from the second their eye lids open.

43 days. I haven't done anything for 43 consistent days. Stacey is happier, my kids don't bother me as much - and if they do I can control the emotions . . . let them run their course.

There have been times when emotions arise, and I have to deal with them instead of suppressing them via pot. I've had break downs, blow ups, melt downs and fuck ups - but I've seen them through a clear head. Well...semi clear. I fill like my head is filling up with ideas, emotions, content and a lot of other positive stuff that I've been suppressing for the last 10 years.

I have a sponsor. I've been consistently going to meetings. I'm almost through w/ my first step - admitting I am completely powerless of marijuana and that my life had become completely unmanageable. Hell yeah it was. I feel good about my recovery - but recognize the long road ahead. But one day at a time - right?

I went to a Family Tree meeting where my sponsor's sponsor was there, and a bunch of other sponsors/sponsees were there - just a dozen addicts/guys or so all being honest around a fire. It was surreal and beautiful and inspiring.

I've had run ins with my higher power. I was upset with the girls, I was crying in their closet, wanting to get high, just fucked up and stressed out. My sponsor called me right in that moment and was able to talk to me. Was able to understand what the fuck I was going through - and helped me get out of it. It was my higher power. What timing! I'm on my fucking ass, crying, sobing like I haven't sobbed in years (it's those fucking emotions coming out) and boom - my phone rings. "How ya doin' man?" "Not good... not good at all." After 20 minutes on the phone I felt I could handle the rest of the day and my confidence was back that I at least would not get high that day.

I'm a new man. A better man. A stronger, more confident, smarter, better looking, healthier, productive man. I love it.

I still mourn my vices. I still miss the feeling of being all out drunk and stoned. I'm looking for ways to fill that void - running is one. Yoga will be another when I find the fucking time to get to a class.

But life is good at 43 days. I've met a lot of really cool people who inspire me, challenge me, and that means a lot. I'm looking forward to getting my 60 day chip, my 90 day chip, my 1 year chip, 2 and so on. But just for today - at least the rest of tonight, for the next 55 minutes until midnight when I'll probably go to bed - I won't get high. And that's all that matters right now, in this moment. Life on life's term - one minute at a time.

Sobriety Day 20

It's been a whirlwind of emotions, meetings, and long days. So much to write and so little comprehension on how to put it into writing.

Being sober is trippy. Like, I took a year off of pot before, but I drank whiskey like a mother fucker. This is 20 days dry, smoke free, and hallucinogenic free. I've been to several meetings, maybe not as many as I should. In fact - I just looked up some AA meetings but the damn website aint working. Writing will be my meeting tonight.

I've shared at a few meetings, well pretty much every meeting I've been too in the past 2 weeks. I even led a meeting - which basically consists of reading the piece of paper they hand you. But everyone makes eye contact with you.

I need a sponsor. I need to start working the steps. I see a long road ahead of me. I mean, really? I can't drink? Is can't the right word? I won't drink?

Maybe I should start a public, anonymous blog. Something that is public, but no one knows it's me. Jesus, I can't write. I've mispelled every other word. I even mis-spelled mis-eplled. WTF?!

I haven't really been around weed. I don't really have the urge to get high. I don't even know how I would act, or what I would do. I'd probably just sit around hating myself inside of my own head. But I'd hafta go behind my wife's back and lie to her - which I haven't done since I stopped smoking. Hell - I even admit I flirt with bartenders. Ha. Guess that won't be happening now.

Music sounds gooooood. I haven't heard music like this in a while. I feel like I could write music.

There's so much I want to do, but so little time. I'm so tired after my kids are in bed, and after I spend time with my wife to do much. I want to paint, I want to play guitar, I want to record an album, I want to play video games, I want to focus on my business. I want to start a new blog - to watch movies - to mediate.

I think it's going to be harder to not drink. Really? I can't drink ever again? I mean - I understand it, I guess... sort of. If I drink, get drunk, los ambitions, I may smoke weed. And if I have a hit of weed it's all gone. All 20 days, plus 4 years of marriage down the drain. Who would give me a hit of weed? I'm sure I could find it at a party - but fuuuuckkk I would get so high there's no way I could hide it. And I don't want to hide anything. So ok - don't drink. Even if I'm in my own home though? And there is no weed? And only a glass of wine at dinner? But really? Would it really only be a glass? I mean - there would be a whole 'nother bottle. And there's a shit ton of bottles 3 blocks down the street at the liquor store. To cure the disease, never let the culprit into you body. At all.

Fuck.

A nice cold beer sounded great today in the heat. Or a sparkling glass of cold champagne.

I think I'm mourning the loss of my usage. As much as I don't want to smoke or drink it's like I lost a friend. 

Sobriety Day 16

It's been 16 days since I've smoked weed or had a drink of alcohol.

16 long, interesting, beautiful, challenging, days of sobriety. I haven't gone this long in geeze, I dunno how long.

Since I've last written I've been to more meetings, I've SHARED at meetings and have become a better person.

I want to meditate. 

Good vs. Bad

My awesome nephew, Mr. Jaxon, age 8, made this awesome movie! What a creative little guy he is.

Indie is 2 Years Old!