Sobriety Day 60

It has been 60 days. 1 month and 30 days since I last had a sip of alcohol or a hit of weed.

It feels good ... but I can't say that I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement.

A lot has happened in 60 days. I've got a sponsor, I've completed the 1st step, I've attended at least 2 meetings a week. I've gone on vacation with my family and out with my friends, I've heard negative rumors on behalf of my sobriety and still gotten in arguments with my wife. I've had blow ups, melt downs, tears of joy and moments of pride & satisfaction. I've experienced suicide, mis-carriage of close friends, witnessed a scary car accident, stopped and started smoking cigarettes and a whole lot more in between.

I feel like I'm still on a path to self destruction. Procrastination and laziness are still evil enemies on the home front. Lack of productivity fills my days - there are days when I don't do JACK SHIT. I mean, I know I'm raising my children - but I feel like I suck at that too.

I've been in a weird, somber, just ... whatever mode lately. Not happy, not sad, just in my own head.

I haven't been a very good husband lately. I sit in my office at night while my poor wife sits on the couch on her laptop. Technology could be blamed. I could be blamed. My piss poor attitude could be blamed.

I feel anger towards myself that I wasn't able to control my using. If only I could control how often I smoke and how much I drink. If only I could've controlled how often I smoked and how much I drank. If only I wasn't such an irresponsible douche bag that only thought about pot and let it get in the way of my family and friends. Now the lack of using is getting in the way of my relationships. I'm so confused.

Step two is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"... that makes more sense after 10 minutes of writing than it has in 2 weeks. I need to be restored to sanity. I need help from a Higher Power.

But it's tough because I feel like I was so involved with a God of my father, the Church of Christ Christian God that it's hard for me to find my own personal higher power. I'm reluctant to accept a higher power. I can only think that "he" is "God/Yaweh/Jesus Christ" - and I don't believe in that God any more.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer. One that could be applied to all aspects of thinking. I need to accept that I was powerless (still am), that my life had become unmanageable because of my using, and that I can muster up the courage to change my thinking. I can change my attitude about the whole higher power thing, I can become a better husband, I can be a better father. These are all things I can change.

I just need to figure out how. And not just think that. It seems like every night I go outside to smoke a cigarette before bed and I ask myself "wtf am I doing?" What am I doing w/ my life? I need to come up with a plan. A plan of action.

But I'll come up with that later.

My Brain Is In A Million Places

Where do you go when you want to talk about everything?  In my case, everything I'm doing.

I'm a dad.   Where to begin there?

I'm a new husband ... well, fairly new.  That's a lot to talk about in itself!

I'm a photographer.  I run and maintain a business, with hundreds of clients, just as many websites, blogs, Facebook Pages, and Twitter accounts.

I make websites.  Really cool sites for really cool people.  I could create a new blog to write about what I do with that.  (I probably will).

I mean, there's taxes to worry about, insurance, laundry, feeding my family, bath time, friendships, advertising, diapers, target runs, playing and so much more!

There's so much to do, so many things to create, so many people to talk to, so much to teach my daughter, so little time to tell my wife how much I love her.  Sometimes I don't know where to start.  But I create that list, the list that never ends, and I jump somewhere in the middle of it and come out the other end with a new list, but feeling more accomplished.

I say that I'm glad there's a lot to do.  If all these goals and accomplishments were achieved already, what would there be to live for?  I don't think I'll ever retire.

Why would I?  I love what I do.  Allllllllllllllllllllllll of it.

Peace,
-marc

Family Man

As a family man, I had a revelation today.  I need to take care of my family.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't been lacking on this ideal in the past ... but I can always be better.  I need to really take care of my family.  Just like my mother took care of our family; emotionally, physically, and on every single level.

Raising a human is a crazy experience because they are so dependant.  They rely on you for EVERYTHING.  Just like Zoe needs enough food, sleep, love and attention - so does Stacey. 

And that is my responsibility as a husband, a father, and a man to make sure they are taken care of on every level.  It's something I can be better at, with Stacey especially.  She's the best mother I know, and right now she is working for our family.  I could make sure she has lunch prepared, and I can always tell her more how beautiful she is.  I gotta step up and provide in other areas like making sure she's getting enough sleep and has security. 

I'm always learning.  This is just one thing that hit me today in the car. 

Thought I would share.

What can you be better at?

What I Do ... Now.

My number one priority right now is Zoe, (who is really 15 weeks old this week).  I am a dad, then a husband, photographer, web designer.  So let me explain really quickly what it is I do.

I run a small sole proprietorship called Marc Blackwell Photography.  It's been a legal business since 2007 and it's been a lot of fun.  I shoot everybody, but I work with actors more than anyone else.  I shoot headshots, musician portraits, bands, families, you name it I've shot it.  I also shoot weddings with my amazingly talented wife.  She has a day job but we work on the weekends when we're together and someone can be with Zoe Toes.  Together we make a good team.

I also work with Stacey, my wife, and our good friends Brandon and Laura in a little company we call Red Letterbox Productions.  Brandon is an amazing music producer, crankin' out jams left and right for established and aspiring musicians.  Really, his sound is amazing.  And Laura is a bright and creative graphic designer mixin' up images, cd covers, social media graphics and more colorful stuff.  Stacey and I do photography together and I also create the websites for the group.  We're a one-stop shop for actors and musicians.  And it's been fun so far, we're really hittin' it hard this year. 

So I work on a lot of websites as well as taking pictures.  I've devoted myself into the world of CSS, HTML, PHP and Wordpress.  I can create a mean website that does more than look pretty.  And it's perfect work being at home I can do it whenever I'm not feeding, changing or playing with ZB.  :)

Here's to the economy picking up, and to doing our part by providing high quality services and products for fair prices.  It's how the world goes round. 

Much love,
-marc