i've never done this. i've never been inside of an emotion so much and felt the need to actually write about it on this blog while it's happening. but tonight the tears haven't stopped and the sadness of losing my mother hasn't hit so hard in a long time.
this weekend i told someone else that i lost my mom last year. after a little shock they admitted that they would be "really, really messed up" if they were in my shoes. and since then i haven't stopped thinking about it. i am really messed up. i've tried to covered i up and pull it off like everything's ok . . . but it's not. i mean, and forgive me for being selfish, but i didn't deserve this. my family didn't deserve this. my mom didn't deserve that. it was and is completely unfair.
i feel like a little boy at disney land who lost his mom but never found her again. i feel like my mom wasn't done preparing me to be in this world and i got thrust into it prematurely. i feel lost with no one to point me in the right direction. i don't have a mom to tell me everything's going to be ok. i don't have that unconditional love that only someone who gives birth to you can give you. that was taken from me. and now i'm out here, in one of the craziest cities in the world, all by myself trying to survive. and i don't know how. i have to figure it out by myself without that sound motherly advice that everyone else lives by.
and don't tell me to go find jesus again. that he'll fill the void and make things better. please don't tell me that my mom believed in god and that's reason enough for me to as well. i won't even get into that - it just doesn't work like that.
i don't know what to do. i don't know how to handle these extreme ups and extreme downs. i don't know how to talk to people about it, i don't know who to talk to about it, i don't know if i talk about it too much. i don't know if i'm always going to feel this lost, if i'll always be alone and (should i say it...) depressed? i've tried drinking and smoking and girls and friends and moving and drawing and sleeping all the time but nothing works. or it works for a little while but builds it up to times like these worse.
i want to tell everyone i meet that i lost my mom. but that's not a very good conversation starter. but then at least they would kind of understand why i'm so weird. why sometimes i drift off, why i forget things so often, or why i'm not a very good friend.
it's like this. mom's have that motherly gift of unconditional love towards their children. if there's one person that everyone knows will always love them it's their mom. mothers are the person who will always listen, who will always give you solid advice and who's always right. that's impossible to find. that's only a relationship you can get from your mom. and that relationship is now terminated from my life. if anybody needs a mom i would say it's me. again, i'm being selfish, but it's true. everyone needs their mother and i really needed my mother. i really need my mother. i'm a messed up little child, confused and alone and i know that if she was still alive i could call her right now and she'd make it ok. but i can't. so it's not ok. and i don't know if it will ever be ok again.
i know i'll never find anyone who takes her place. no woman, girlfriend or wife will ever fill this emptiness, and that makes me even more sad. i'm scared to be by myselffor the rest of my life even if i'm with someone.
that's all. i don't know if it makes sense. there's no way i could fully explain what's going on but these are just fragments that i caught in writing.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Friday Nights
Anton and I were to go eat Sushi, maybe drink a little Saki and talk about current events down in Ventura tonight quickly scheduled around 10:00 pm. Around 11 we finally meet up after malfunctioning cell phones and disconnections and take a drive.
I pop in a new CD my co-worker Paul gave me and we take off up the winding hilly Laurel Canyon road and take in the sites and sounds. Stopping at a not so official viewing point we look out on vast dark hills. Vague lights and little houses fill our eyes as far as we can see. It's dark, contrasted intensely against the orange sky. An occasional passing vehicle breaks up the silence of crickets. It's peaceful, we feel like we're in the middle of nature to the fullest. But off in the distance are the cities. Small and blurred together in a massive light energy - lights creeping back up the other side of the valley miles and miles into nothing.
And then we drive some more. Eventually - a few songs and curves later - we're at another viewing point. This one over looking the city. Lights, streets, freeways, buildings, studios and even fireworks entertain us this time. This is closely opposite to what we were just witnessing. Far as your eyes can see are lines of moving lights and reaching buildings scattered in some sort of organized chaos. The infrastructure of this crazy place is mind boggling and breath taking at the same time. Orange, white, red everywhere. As beautiful as the last place, just different.
Hopping back in the car, speeding down the hill towards the 101 we slowly merge back into the crazy world we were just watching up on the hill. We are now those little moving anonymous lights getting lost in the big sea of other lights. We re-entered the universe as members of society after being only observers. We ended up in one of the buildings called Twains where they serve hot fresh coffee and the best damn milkshake you can find in LA. We are now back inside this world. And we talked about it...figured it out... figured something out. Eventually we were back here and I'm now on my couch.
So from embracing and being with mother nature, to observing and respecting the power of man kind, to finally re-entering and interacting within the little man made world. It was a fun and interesting experience.
Kudos to Paul (and Landon) of Coffeesquares.com for their first gallery opening tonight. One of many more to come I'm sure and it speaks a lot for these guys. They worked hard to achieve something very cool and that's inspiring. I'm motivated, as I always am in the awareness of Paul to do something different, work a little harder, and strive to be a better and different artist. And I appreciate that, cuz I need that. I give credit to Paul for any success up to this point because that guy pushes me in ways he probably doesn't even know. Congrats on a successful opening.
I believe that's all. I think a comic book is waiting for me.
Peace,
-marc
I pop in a new CD my co-worker Paul gave me and we take off up the winding hilly Laurel Canyon road and take in the sites and sounds. Stopping at a not so official viewing point we look out on vast dark hills. Vague lights and little houses fill our eyes as far as we can see. It's dark, contrasted intensely against the orange sky. An occasional passing vehicle breaks up the silence of crickets. It's peaceful, we feel like we're in the middle of nature to the fullest. But off in the distance are the cities. Small and blurred together in a massive light energy - lights creeping back up the other side of the valley miles and miles into nothing.
And then we drive some more. Eventually - a few songs and curves later - we're at another viewing point. This one over looking the city. Lights, streets, freeways, buildings, studios and even fireworks entertain us this time. This is closely opposite to what we were just witnessing. Far as your eyes can see are lines of moving lights and reaching buildings scattered in some sort of organized chaos. The infrastructure of this crazy place is mind boggling and breath taking at the same time. Orange, white, red everywhere. As beautiful as the last place, just different.
Hopping back in the car, speeding down the hill towards the 101 we slowly merge back into the crazy world we were just watching up on the hill. We are now those little moving anonymous lights getting lost in the big sea of other lights. We re-entered the universe as members of society after being only observers. We ended up in one of the buildings called Twains where they serve hot fresh coffee and the best damn milkshake you can find in LA. We are now back inside this world. And we talked about it...figured it out... figured something out. Eventually we were back here and I'm now on my couch.
So from embracing and being with mother nature, to observing and respecting the power of man kind, to finally re-entering and interacting within the little man made world. It was a fun and interesting experience.
Kudos to Paul (and Landon) of Coffeesquares.com for their first gallery opening tonight. One of many more to come I'm sure and it speaks a lot for these guys. They worked hard to achieve something very cool and that's inspiring. I'm motivated, as I always am in the awareness of Paul to do something different, work a little harder, and strive to be a better and different artist. And I appreciate that, cuz I need that. I give credit to Paul for any success up to this point because that guy pushes me in ways he probably doesn't even know. Congrats on a successful opening.
I believe that's all. I think a comic book is waiting for me.
Peace,
-marc
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Michael's wearing his Cardinal's hat...
...and it's the bottom of the 9th inning, Mets up to bat, 3 - 2, 2 people on 1st and 2nd. So...it's pretty intense in the apartment.
Life in California has been an interesting one lately. Another week flew by with work consuming most of my time. And "how is work?" such a common question - so here's the common answer. It's fine. I'm learning a lot, growing as a person, and advancing as a photographer. Every day I get something new, I become more defined in the business, I figure some technical thing out. It's great. Challenging as well, on many levels but that's like I've said before, a welcomed goodness. That's what I need right now.
I'm still single. Still likin' it. Notice I didn't say "lovin" it. But this Independence, this freedom, this inner dialogue that entertains me on a moment to moment basis is, well, very entertaining. Music has become essential. Surrounded by strangers at a Hollywood bar is comfortable as long as there's some decent music going. Any genre, but no country please, and I'll be lost in the notes, voices, chords, rhythm, story - everything surrounding the sound. Music is key.
My photography . . . ah ... my photography. I feel almost selfish sometimes because I'm so connected t my ... my self right now it's hard to make time to focus on anything else. What can I do to be this now instead of later? How can I hurry up and speed through this, learn that, and become what I want sooner. How does this help me? How can this aid my advancement in the world? But honestly, however you read that I think it's in a good way. I'm not harming anyone else, I'm still kind to everyone and love my friends . . . eh . . . as I'm trying to justify it I realize there is no justifying being selfish. I am working hard to become what I want to be, I am thinking about myself a lot and how I can be this amazing photographer that I dream of being. I know that I'm not who I want to be right now and I feel like I've been given a little amount of time to be selfish and figure things out, and then start giving back in ways I can't even imagine because of who I have become. Does that make sense? Any sense at all? Long sentence, I know.
Every single day I feel like I introduce myself to myself for the first time.
"Hey Marc, I'm Marc."
"Hey Marc, didn't I meet you yesterday?"
"I think so, but I'm completely different now."
"Ah, crazy . . . me too!"
By the way ... the Cards won and are going to the World Series. My night is complete.
peace,
-marc
Life in California has been an interesting one lately. Another week flew by with work consuming most of my time. And "how is work?" such a common question - so here's the common answer. It's fine. I'm learning a lot, growing as a person, and advancing as a photographer. Every day I get something new, I become more defined in the business, I figure some technical thing out. It's great. Challenging as well, on many levels but that's like I've said before, a welcomed goodness. That's what I need right now.
I'm still single. Still likin' it. Notice I didn't say "lovin" it. But this Independence, this freedom, this inner dialogue that entertains me on a moment to moment basis is, well, very entertaining. Music has become essential. Surrounded by strangers at a Hollywood bar is comfortable as long as there's some decent music going. Any genre, but no country please, and I'll be lost in the notes, voices, chords, rhythm, story - everything surrounding the sound. Music is key.
My photography . . . ah ... my photography. I feel almost selfish sometimes because I'm so connected t my ... my self right now it's hard to make time to focus on anything else. What can I do to be this now instead of later? How can I hurry up and speed through this, learn that, and become what I want sooner. How does this help me? How can this aid my advancement in the world? But honestly, however you read that I think it's in a good way. I'm not harming anyone else, I'm still kind to everyone and love my friends . . . eh . . . as I'm trying to justify it I realize there is no justifying being selfish. I am working hard to become what I want to be, I am thinking about myself a lot and how I can be this amazing photographer that I dream of being. I know that I'm not who I want to be right now and I feel like I've been given a little amount of time to be selfish and figure things out, and then start giving back in ways I can't even imagine because of who I have become. Does that make sense? Any sense at all? Long sentence, I know.
Every single day I feel like I introduce myself to myself for the first time.
"Hey Marc, I'm Marc."
"Hey Marc, didn't I meet you yesterday?"
"I think so, but I'm completely different now."
"Ah, crazy . . . me too!"
By the way ... the Cards won and are going to the World Series. My night is complete.
peace,
-marc
Friday, October 13, 2006
Friday
It's Friday. Thank Whoever you believe in, right? And after a slow, semi-boring lonely week I'm looking forward to the same for the weekend. I've gotten into comic books lately and they along with drawing give me plenty to keep my mind occupied.
My camera is in Springfield. Oops. But it's fixed, so that's good.
I thought I had a lot to write...something to say maybe - but nope. And I have to travel on the already busy but crazy busy cuz it's Friday Freeways. I'm in Covina California this week and next. Not as nice as Orange County or Encinitas, but it's still CA so it's all good. Plus I stole a bunch of my roommates CDs to the drive isn't that bad either.
Have a good weekend, I'll write more when I have more to say.
Peace,
-marc
My camera is in Springfield. Oops. But it's fixed, so that's good.
I thought I had a lot to write...something to say maybe - but nope. And I have to travel on the already busy but crazy busy cuz it's Friday Freeways. I'm in Covina California this week and next. Not as nice as Orange County or Encinitas, but it's still CA so it's all good. Plus I stole a bunch of my roommates CDs to the drive isn't that bad either.
Have a good weekend, I'll write more when I have more to say.
Peace,
-marc
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
is it really 6:30 in the morning?
After a full weekend with a old friend in town I'm on my couch listening to NPR's Morning Edition. I realize that it's October 10th making me really late on putting up last month's photos. Apologies but I don't think you'll be disappointed.
I feel however the need to somehow explain this month's collection. After being in LA for over 2 months and sorta drowning in the sea of other photographers out here I realize I have a long, long photography journey ahead of me. It's like I just picked up a camera for the first time. I've been humbled as an artist which is an awesome sensation. I am exposed to so much good photography out here that mine (to me) looks like crap. And that's ok. Because that makes me push to try to take EVERY photo a good photo. No more excuses or laziness. It's time to invest a little, learn a little more, and push a lot more.
So this month is that "experimentation". There's 88 photos this month. That's a lot. Expect more next month. It's the only way I'm going to get better. But it's a fun journey because you'll get to see Cali as I see it.
So, without further ado and yet again avoiding the task of writing what's going on and just posting pictures instead here's September's Photos.
Picasa's Web Albums are great and eventually I would like to incorporate them more into my site. For now, check out the pictures there. As always however, they will be in my Galleries and you can check them out here.
Alright, I'm going back to bed.
-marc
I feel however the need to somehow explain this month's collection. After being in LA for over 2 months and sorta drowning in the sea of other photographers out here I realize I have a long, long photography journey ahead of me. It's like I just picked up a camera for the first time. I've been humbled as an artist which is an awesome sensation. I am exposed to so much good photography out here that mine (to me) looks like crap. And that's ok. Because that makes me push to try to take EVERY photo a good photo. No more excuses or laziness. It's time to invest a little, learn a little more, and push a lot more.
So this month is that "experimentation". There's 88 photos this month. That's a lot. Expect more next month. It's the only way I'm going to get better. But it's a fun journey because you'll get to see Cali as I see it.
So, without further ado and yet again avoiding the task of writing what's going on and just posting pictures instead here's September's Photos.
Picasa's Web Albums are great and eventually I would like to incorporate them more into my site. For now, check out the pictures there. As always however, they will be in my Galleries and you can check them out here.
Alright, I'm going back to bed.
-marc
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Encinitas, CA
Check out the new Encinitas Galleries in my Picasa Web Galleries.
Peace,
-marc
(i'll write more later Blake, I promise.)
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)