i've never done this. i've never been inside of an emotion so much and felt the need to actually write about it on this blog while it's happening. but tonight the tears haven't stopped and the sadness of losing my mother hasn't hit so hard in a long time.
this weekend i told someone else that i lost my mom last year. after a little shock they admitted that they would be "really, really messed up" if they were in my shoes. and since then i haven't stopped thinking about it. i am really messed up. i've tried to covered i up and pull it off like everything's ok . . . but it's not. i mean, and forgive me for being selfish, but i didn't deserve this. my family didn't deserve this. my mom didn't deserve that. it was and is completely unfair.
i feel like a little boy at disney land who lost his mom but never found her again. i feel like my mom wasn't done preparing me to be in this world and i got thrust into it prematurely. i feel lost with no one to point me in the right direction. i don't have a mom to tell me everything's going to be ok. i don't have that unconditional love that only someone who gives birth to you can give you. that was taken from me. and now i'm out here, in one of the craziest cities in the world, all by myself trying to survive. and i don't know how. i have to figure it out by myself without that sound motherly advice that everyone else lives by.
and don't tell me to go find jesus again. that he'll fill the void and make things better. please don't tell me that my mom believed in god and that's reason enough for me to as well. i won't even get into that - it just doesn't work like that.
i don't know what to do. i don't know how to handle these extreme ups and extreme downs. i don't know how to talk to people about it, i don't know who to talk to about it, i don't know if i talk about it too much. i don't know if i'm always going to feel this lost, if i'll always be alone and (should i say it...) depressed? i've tried drinking and smoking and girls and friends and moving and drawing and sleeping all the time but nothing works. or it works for a little while but builds it up to times like these worse.
i want to tell everyone i meet that i lost my mom. but that's not a very good conversation starter. but then at least they would kind of understand why i'm so weird. why sometimes i drift off, why i forget things so often, or why i'm not a very good friend.
it's like this. mom's have that motherly gift of unconditional love towards their children. if there's one person that everyone knows will always love them it's their mom. mothers are the person who will always listen, who will always give you solid advice and who's always right. that's impossible to find. that's only a relationship you can get from your mom. and that relationship is now terminated from my life. if anybody needs a mom i would say it's me. again, i'm being selfish, but it's true. everyone needs their mother and i really needed my mother. i really need my mother. i'm a messed up little child, confused and alone and i know that if she was still alive i could call her right now and she'd make it ok. but i can't. so it's not ok. and i don't know if it will ever be ok again.
i know i'll never find anyone who takes her place. no woman, girlfriend or wife will ever fill this emptiness, and that makes me even more sad. i'm scared to be by myselffor the rest of my life even if i'm with someone.
that's all. i don't know if it makes sense. there's no way i could fully explain what's going on but these are just fragments that i caught in writing.
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ReplyDeleteAaaaah, Marc. Your honesty is beautiful, as is your mother and her legacy of love. Love you.
ReplyDeleteMarcia really did set the Mom-bar pretty high. I can't begin to imagine what you feel. But I love you bro. Your Mom was very cool like you and I can't say anything to make it any less painful, sorry. But I can tell you that you impact people for good and you always make me smile. Marcia was the same way. Here’s the only happy thought I can give you: you are loved by your mom and by many many other people as well. I don't know if this will help or not, but go here: http://blogs.oc.edu/ee/index.php?/mblackwell/2003/11/
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for some time now, and I just thought I'd comment.
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Nobody really deserves anything, it just happens. There are good and bad things that just happen. Sometimes the bad outweighs the good, it just depends on your perspective.
Sometimes you need a change. Moving to California is a huge change. But sometimes you need to be in that big city to just observe and see how everyone else deals with life.
Taking photos is a great way to express feelings and observe. You have to wait for the perfect moment to get the perfect picture. Sometimes you have to wait a long time, sometimes it comes when you're not ready.
Telling people that you lost your mom when you've just met is okay. It can be a great conversation, but maybe not the most comfortable. Sometimes people just don't understand what you're going through. Maybe if you tell them upfront you can find someone who has the same situation, and talk to them about it. They might understand.
As for the "no woman, girlfriend or wife will ever fill this emptiness", only you are deciding that. It may take some time to find "the girl", but when you meet her I'm sure you'll know. She can never replace your mom, but she can help you get through it.
I'm sure that those aren't the only worries you have, but hopefully you can work it out in time or find someone you can trust and talk to.
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LOVE your photography by the way. The LA area beach photos are amazing. I love the beach.
Maybe you should go to the mountains in Cali. Yosemite and the Giant Sequoias are beautiful.
Take care of yourself!
So quanti errori potrei fare scrivendo in inglese, e dato che il blog è pubblico mi vergogno, pazienza se nessuno, compreso te, capirà nulla….
ReplyDeleteVedi (perché lo vedi), io credo che a volte sia inevitabile sentirsi persi, quanto esserlo effettivamente. Durante la vita tante cose possono spiazzarti e lasciarti indifeso, senza possibilità di rispondere, di reagire, senza poter trovare una risposta. E forse la risposta non c’è, forse non deve esserci una risposta, o non può esserci.
Vorrei tanto che tu capissi cosa ti sto dicendo, vorrei poter parlare bene quanto te la tua lingua per comunicare in maniera adeguata con te, perché credo che nonostante ci sia un abisso tra di noi, posso comunque capirti.
Non credere di essere solo, in ogni caso. Ma non credere che ad impedirlo sia la gente che ti cammina di fianco, quelli che si dicono amici. Gli amici ci sono, sì, ma non sono tutti. E forse lo sai meglio di me. so di essere una ragazzina, sei più grande e hai avuto modo di imparare in molte più occasioni di me, ma forse queste cose le abbiamo dentro da quando cominciamo a guardare seriamente alla vita.
Non so perché stia scrivendo queste cose, forse non avrei dovuto farlo. non voglio che tu stia male.