365 Days of Completey Sobriety

I never imagined I would be a drug addict. I still think that sounds a little harsh.

13 years after trying marijuana for the first time, I never thought I'd not smoke it for 365 days straight.

Today I have been sober from weed and alcohol for 365 days.

Procrastination and Self Destruction

I struggle with two things as of late. Really. Only two things. (I'm being sarcastic), the two things I notice lately are procrastination and self destruction.

I procrastinate like it's my job. And it's probably what I've been used to doing for the past, oh, I dunno, 10 years. While I smoked weed, my daily motivation was to get high. Work until after lunch, and you can smoke a joint. Do all the work you need to get done and you can get drunk as shit tonight as a reward. Even then, probably due to the distraction that marijauna came with, I didn't do everything in a timely fashion. Hell, I procrastinated writing this little "blog" post, if I even make it public.

But I knew that I should write about it - because if I did, I could get a better grasp on what is making me procrastinate in the first place. But it's taken me until 11:11 pm tonight to get around to it. And there are a lot of really good reasons for it - the kids distract, I had real paid work to get done, I went out for a friends birthday party. And what's funny, that I jsut realized from writing, is that procrastination leads to more self destruction. But more on self destruction later.

I will wait days, weeks, MONTHS even to complete a job that takes an hour, or even half a hour. Take burning these DVDs and putting them in the mail. I promised I would do it 2 weeks ago - but didn't do it until today. And it took an hour tops. I didn't even have to go to the post office, which was my main deterrent in motivation. Another client wanted a collage, something I promised almost a month ago, and it took me a whole 20 minutes to make, upload, and e-mail to her. WTF?

Here I am, running my own business, wanting to be successful, wanting to make clients happy, but there's some deficiency in me that makes me procrastinate which I know, is hurting me slowly but surely. I don't get it. Other people do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in their power, in a timely and orderly fashion, and they are more successful. I know what it takes - I just don't do it.

Which leads me to being self destructive. For the longest time I smoked and drank like a chimney fish. After I quit smoking weed and drinking I still decided to smoke cigarettes. It's only now, tonight, that I feel I am not as self destructive as I once was. I haven't had a cigarette in ... well, long enough that I can't recall off the top of my head when I had one, but no more than a week. I still have destructive tendencies abundant. I will play video games until 2 in the morning when I know my children are going to wake me up at 6:45. I will eat shitty, greasy food and drink dark soda when I know that shit isn't going to make me feel good or help me live a long and healthy life. I procrastinate, which is a form of self destructiveness when you get down to it. It hurts my business, which hurts my career, which hurts my attitude, which affects my children and my wife. WHY? Why do I continue to self destruct?

Since the absence of weed and alcohol, I do feel less self destructive. And after running 11 days in a row, starting push ups and crunches tonight, I'm feeling better about the path I'm taking.

I want to live a long and prosperous life. I want to be around for my grandkids, and not attached to a breathing machine for a decade. I don't want to get cancer, I don't want to be out of shape or unhealthy. I want to have money for retirement and save money for my kid's education. I know these things. So why is it so hard to do the things that help me achieve my goals? When did the switch get switched to "Self Destruct"? It's time to turn it back to "Create" and "Prosper".

Part of me used to think it was the 'artist'. For whatever reason I thought artists needed to have self inflicted pain in order for their art to be "good". I dunno where that came from...

That's all I got.

Sobriety Day 20

It's been a whirlwind of emotions, meetings, and long days. So much to write and so little comprehension on how to put it into writing.

Being sober is trippy. Like, I took a year off of pot before, but I drank whiskey like a mother fucker. This is 20 days dry, smoke free, and hallucinogenic free. I've been to several meetings, maybe not as many as I should. In fact - I just looked up some AA meetings but the damn website aint working. Writing will be my meeting tonight.

I've shared at a few meetings, well pretty much every meeting I've been too in the past 2 weeks. I even led a meeting - which basically consists of reading the piece of paper they hand you. But everyone makes eye contact with you.

I need a sponsor. I need to start working the steps. I see a long road ahead of me. I mean, really? I can't drink? Is can't the right word? I won't drink?

Maybe I should start a public, anonymous blog. Something that is public, but no one knows it's me. Jesus, I can't write. I've mispelled every other word. I even mis-spelled mis-eplled. WTF?!

I haven't really been around weed. I don't really have the urge to get high. I don't even know how I would act, or what I would do. I'd probably just sit around hating myself inside of my own head. But I'd hafta go behind my wife's back and lie to her - which I haven't done since I stopped smoking. Hell - I even admit I flirt with bartenders. Ha. Guess that won't be happening now.

Music sounds gooooood. I haven't heard music like this in a while. I feel like I could write music.

There's so much I want to do, but so little time. I'm so tired after my kids are in bed, and after I spend time with my wife to do much. I want to paint, I want to play guitar, I want to record an album, I want to play video games, I want to focus on my business. I want to start a new blog - to watch movies - to mediate.

I think it's going to be harder to not drink. Really? I can't drink ever again? I mean - I understand it, I guess... sort of. If I drink, get drunk, los ambitions, I may smoke weed. And if I have a hit of weed it's all gone. All 20 days, plus 4 years of marriage down the drain. Who would give me a hit of weed? I'm sure I could find it at a party - but fuuuuckkk I would get so high there's no way I could hide it. And I don't want to hide anything. So ok - don't drink. Even if I'm in my own home though? And there is no weed? And only a glass of wine at dinner? But really? Would it really only be a glass? I mean - there would be a whole 'nother bottle. And there's a shit ton of bottles 3 blocks down the street at the liquor store. To cure the disease, never let the culprit into you body. At all.

Fuck.

A nice cold beer sounded great today in the heat. Or a sparkling glass of cold champagne.

I think I'm mourning the loss of my usage. As much as I don't want to smoke or drink it's like I lost a friend. 

Sobriety Day 16

It's been 16 days since I've smoked weed or had a drink of alcohol.

16 long, interesting, beautiful, challenging, days of sobriety. I haven't gone this long in geeze, I dunno how long.

Since I've last written I've been to more meetings, I've SHARED at meetings and have become a better person.

I want to meditate.