Mass Confusion

It's another day - where I'm in the middle of laundry, I've got projects around the house to complete, and just a tiny bit of photography work to accomplish today.

But I want to do so much more. I want to pull out the Wacom tablet and digitally paint. I want to pull out the oils and get lost in a small canvas and pay attention to detail. I want to play Minecraft (we're being honest, right?). I need to work on my "steps", I need to file my taxes, organize shit for our garage sale, put contacts into MailChimp and I'm not even trying to put these in any kind of logistical order because that's how my brain is going these days.

I'm almost 30 (Philip DeFranco) and I think of those that have done something great before this age or that started doing something at 29 that became great, (Shay Carl)...

What am I going to do?

Don't get me wrong - I know what I'm doing is important... raising 2 babies. But even then I know I can be doing it so much better than I am. I know keeping our clothes clean, and butts wiped and mouths fed is muy importante but I want to change the world! When will it happen? Must I be patient and do something great in retirement? Or will I be the inventor of the next great app that changes lives?

I want to start a blog / finish a blog. I want to start a video series. I want to build up our H.E.L.P project. I want to blog more for our photography. I want to finish the children's book I haven't started yet.

There's so much to do and so little determination and/or time to do it!

Overwhelmed to say the least

I'm coming up on 7 months without a puff or a sip. And in 7 months my life has changed dramatically. For the better. But also for the crazier.

Right now I have so much on my plate. From family, to work, to relationships to my sobriety.

My wife and I decided to get pregnant, and before we knew it - we were. After many pregnancy tests and weeks if not months of "are we? or are we not?" a faint line showed up on a test and we celebrated. Due to the holidays we couldn't get to a doctor and almost a week after our joy and excitement had started to settle in, Stacey started to bleed. Not a lot, but enough for concern. And after a day, and a night when it got worse, we went to the E.R. to hear that she was having a miscarriage. Distraught and emotional, we waited days until we could get to her OBGYN. Upon meeting with him, he told us that he could not diagnose what the doctor at the ER told us, and he needed to do tests on my wife's blood. So we took it, he gave us the levels, told us to come back and do the test again and see if they (the HCG levels) went up. Today, we got word that they indeed did go up but not as much as he would like to see. More tests are needed. We're in a state of limbo. "Are we? Are we not?" Again. We thought we were, we thought we weren't, we thought we might be, now we're not sure what to think.

My wife lay sleeping in the next room, finally peaceful from an emotional day and I see her there sleeping and I'm scared. I'm scared for that little embryo inside of her, I'm scared for her, and I'm scared for our little family. If nothing comes to fruition than we'll try again - but this has taken a tole on us. Luckily, I'm not using and can handle the trauma, but it's tough. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to constantly hear about it and not know whether to be excited, to be mournful, to be hopeful or to be joyful. It is out of our control...completely. And I've been in this situation before - with my mom - to not know. To expect the worse but be playing the waiting game for test results and to be helpless.

While this is going on the biggest gig of my career lay on my computer, awaiting a ever pending deadline. I got a call today, moments before my wife called to tell me the doctor reported her HCG levels went up, that the deadline is being pushed forward to less than 2 weeks from today. I was already pushing it to complete everything on time and now they've changed the name of their college completely, need new logos, new type, new banners, new graphics and everything has to be rebranded on top of everything else that needs to be completed.

The most valuable lesson I learned in my short stint at college was to say "yes", and to convince the client that I have it all under control. That's what they're paying me for, and that's what I've done. But looking at the tasks that lay before me is daunting. 

Procrastination and Self Destruction

I struggle with two things as of late. Really. Only two things. (I'm being sarcastic), the two things I notice lately are procrastination and self destruction.

I procrastinate like it's my job. And it's probably what I've been used to doing for the past, oh, I dunno, 10 years. While I smoked weed, my daily motivation was to get high. Work until after lunch, and you can smoke a joint. Do all the work you need to get done and you can get drunk as shit tonight as a reward. Even then, probably due to the distraction that marijauna came with, I didn't do everything in a timely fashion. Hell, I procrastinated writing this little "blog" post, if I even make it public.

But I knew that I should write about it - because if I did, I could get a better grasp on what is making me procrastinate in the first place. But it's taken me until 11:11 pm tonight to get around to it. And there are a lot of really good reasons for it - the kids distract, I had real paid work to get done, I went out for a friends birthday party. And what's funny, that I jsut realized from writing, is that procrastination leads to more self destruction. But more on self destruction later.

I will wait days, weeks, MONTHS even to complete a job that takes an hour, or even half a hour. Take burning these DVDs and putting them in the mail. I promised I would do it 2 weeks ago - but didn't do it until today. And it took an hour tops. I didn't even have to go to the post office, which was my main deterrent in motivation. Another client wanted a collage, something I promised almost a month ago, and it took me a whole 20 minutes to make, upload, and e-mail to her. WTF?

Here I am, running my own business, wanting to be successful, wanting to make clients happy, but there's some deficiency in me that makes me procrastinate which I know, is hurting me slowly but surely. I don't get it. Other people do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in their power, in a timely and orderly fashion, and they are more successful. I know what it takes - I just don't do it.

Which leads me to being self destructive. For the longest time I smoked and drank like a chimney fish. After I quit smoking weed and drinking I still decided to smoke cigarettes. It's only now, tonight, that I feel I am not as self destructive as I once was. I haven't had a cigarette in ... well, long enough that I can't recall off the top of my head when I had one, but no more than a week. I still have destructive tendencies abundant. I will play video games until 2 in the morning when I know my children are going to wake me up at 6:45. I will eat shitty, greasy food and drink dark soda when I know that shit isn't going to make me feel good or help me live a long and healthy life. I procrastinate, which is a form of self destructiveness when you get down to it. It hurts my business, which hurts my career, which hurts my attitude, which affects my children and my wife. WHY? Why do I continue to self destruct?

Since the absence of weed and alcohol, I do feel less self destructive. And after running 11 days in a row, starting push ups and crunches tonight, I'm feeling better about the path I'm taking.

I want to live a long and prosperous life. I want to be around for my grandkids, and not attached to a breathing machine for a decade. I don't want to get cancer, I don't want to be out of shape or unhealthy. I want to have money for retirement and save money for my kid's education. I know these things. So why is it so hard to do the things that help me achieve my goals? When did the switch get switched to "Self Destruct"? It's time to turn it back to "Create" and "Prosper".

Part of me used to think it was the 'artist'. For whatever reason I thought artists needed to have self inflicted pain in order for their art to be "good". I dunno where that came from...

That's all I got.

MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - WHITE WALLS - FEAT. SCHOOLBOY Q AND HOLLIS (OF...

Jammin' to this song presently and I love it. I love everything Macklemore and Ryan Lewis...


These lyrics are off the hizzy! One day I'll write somethin' like this;

Man I’m lounging in some shit Bernie Mac would’ve been proud in
Looking down from heaven like damn that’s stylish
Smilin’, don’t pay attention to the mileage
Can I hit the freeway? I’m elegantly going 120
Easy weaving in and out of the traffic
They cannot catch me, I’m smashing
I’m ducking, bucking them out here
I’m looking fucking fantastic, I am up in a classic
Now I know what it’s like under the city lights
Riding into the night, driving over the bridge
The same one we walked across as kids
Knew I’d have a whip but never one like this
Old school, old school, candy paint, two seater
Yea, I’m from Seattle, there’s hella Honda Civics
I couldn’t tell you about paint either
But I really wanted a Caddy so I put in the hours
And roll on over to the dealer
And I found the car I dreamed of, junior, there's a problem with this geezer
Got the keys in and as I was leaving I started screaming...


I got that off-black Cadillac, midnight drive
Got that gas pedal, leaning back, taking my time
I’m rolling that roof off, letting in sky
I shine, the city never looked so bright
Something about this entire album has inspired me over the summer. Good stuff. Do you like Macklemore and Ryan Lewis? What's your favorite song?

Cheers!
-marc

MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - WHITE WALLS - FEAT. SCHOOLBOY Q AND HOLLIS (OF...

Jammin' to this song presently and I love it. I love everything Macklemore and Ryan Lewis...

These lyrics are off the hizzy! One day I'll write somethin' like this;

Man I’m lounging in some shit Bernie Mac would’ve been proud in
Looking down from heaven like damn that’s stylish
Smilin’, don’t pay attention to the mileage
Can I hit the freeway? I’m elegantly going 120
Easy weaving in and out of the traffic
They cannot catch me, I’m smashing
I’m ducking, bucking them out here
I’m looking fucking fantastic, I am up in a classic
Now I know what it’s like under the city lights
Riding into the night, driving over the bridge
The same one we walked across as kids
Knew I’d have a whip but never one like this
Old school, old school, candy paint, two seater
Yea, I’m from Seattle, there’s hella Honda Civics
I couldn’t tell you about paint either
But I really wanted a Caddy so I put in the hours
And roll on over to the dealer
And I found the car I dreamed of, junior, there's a problem with this geezer
Got the keys in and as I was leaving I started screaming...

I got that off-black Cadillac, midnight drive
Got that gas pedal, leaning back, taking my time
I’m rolling that roof off, letting in sky
I shine, the city never looked so bright

101 Days

Testing

Sobriety Day 60

It has been 60 days. 1 month and 30 days since I last had a sip of alcohol or a hit of weed.

It feels good ... but I can't say that I'm bouncing off the walls with joy and excitement.

A lot has happened in 60 days. I've got a sponsor, I've completed the 1st step, I've attended at least 2 meetings a week. I've gone on vacation with my family and out with my friends, I've heard negative rumors on behalf of my sobriety and still gotten in arguments with my wife. I've had blow ups, melt downs, tears of joy and moments of pride & satisfaction. I've experienced suicide, mis-carriage of close friends, witnessed a scary car accident, stopped and started smoking cigarettes and a whole lot more in between.

I feel like I'm still on a path to self destruction. Procrastination and laziness are still evil enemies on the home front. Lack of productivity fills my days - there are days when I don't do JACK SHIT. I mean, I know I'm raising my children - but I feel like I suck at that too.

I've been in a weird, somber, just ... whatever mode lately. Not happy, not sad, just in my own head.

I haven't been a very good husband lately. I sit in my office at night while my poor wife sits on the couch on her laptop. Technology could be blamed. I could be blamed. My piss poor attitude could be blamed.

I feel anger towards myself that I wasn't able to control my using. If only I could control how often I smoke and how much I drink. If only I could've controlled how often I smoked and how much I drank. If only I wasn't such an irresponsible douche bag that only thought about pot and let it get in the way of my family and friends. Now the lack of using is getting in the way of my relationships. I'm so confused.

Step two is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"... that makes more sense after 10 minutes of writing than it has in 2 weeks. I need to be restored to sanity. I need help from a Higher Power.

But it's tough because I feel like I was so involved with a God of my father, the Church of Christ Christian God that it's hard for me to find my own personal higher power. I'm reluctant to accept a higher power. I can only think that "he" is "God/Yaweh/Jesus Christ" - and I don't believe in that God any more.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer. One that could be applied to all aspects of thinking. I need to accept that I was powerless (still am), that my life had become unmanageable because of my using, and that I can muster up the courage to change my thinking. I can change my attitude about the whole higher power thing, I can become a better husband, I can be a better father. These are all things I can change.

I just need to figure out how. And not just think that. It seems like every night I go outside to smoke a cigarette before bed and I ask myself "wtf am I doing?" What am I doing w/ my life? I need to come up with a plan. A plan of action.

But I'll come up with that later.