Hi, I'm Marc and I'm an...

Day 8

Sunday June 9th, around 2 pm in the afternoon was the last time I smoked marijuana. That's 8 days and 9 hours, give or take.

I've been to 3 meetings, 2 NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and 1 AA (Alcoholics Anonymous - even though the AA was on accident because I thought I was going to a MA (Marijuana Anonymous) meeting. :)

The detox is hard, but I've been through this before. Hell, I made it an entire year with only toking up 3 or 4 times. And if I could do that all the time, you know, control myself, I wouldn't be going to these meetings in the first place.

Can I just say the coffee is horrible at these gatherings and I love it?

I've been hung over as shit before and thought to myself "I should go to AA" ... but alcohol wasn't/isn't really the problem ... although it probably doesn't help anything. I never really thought of going to NA. It just came to me one night. Stacey and I were fighting ... again ... but bad. It was a few days after my birthday and I had said I was going to "quit" again. I've quit so many times for so many reasons. But I was out late doing some last minute shopping for my daughters 2nd birthday - my wife and I had argued all evening and even discussed splitting up. She was sick of my shittieness. I was too. I hated fighting in front of our children, and it was mostly because of pot. I thought it was because Stacey always just blamed it on pot, and if she just shut the hell up about it, we wouldn't fight but I'm starting to see differently. Slowly but surely I'm starting to see differently.

So I came back from the store, got online, and looked up NA. I dunno why. I don't even know if I had heard of Narcotics Annonymous before. Everything I started to read however stroke so many chords in me.

I answered yes to all these questions: (taken from www.na.org)

• Do you ever use alone? Yes.
• Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor  to obtain prescription drugs? Yes. 
• Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? Yes.
• Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? Yes.
• Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? Yes.
• Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? Yes.
• Has your job or school performance ever suffered from the effects of your drug use? Yes
• Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? Yes
• Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of your financial responsibilities? Yes 
• Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? Yes.
• Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? Yes.
• Do you ever question your own sanity? Yes.
• Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? Yes.
• Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time without drugs? Yes.
• Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? Yes.
• Do you think a lot about drugs? Yes.
• Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? Yes.
• Has using affected your sexual relationships? Yes.
• Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? Yes.
• Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? Yes.
• Do you think you might have a drug problem? Yes.

I mean - holy shit. Yes to all that? OK - I got a problem. It even feels weird to type that.

So I went to a meeting. And just like the website said, "If you have butterflies in your stomach you're probably in the right place". Yup. I was nervous as hell. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time! I was 5 days sober and amongst other addicts who I had never met, had no knowledge of their history, but I felt comfortable around them. They made eye contact, shook my hand, introduced themselves and the meeting started.

The things that were shared, the words that were said and read, the emotions that were expressed and the honesty that was emitted was overwhelming. These dudes, who who-the-hell knows what they used to do, or what they did yesterday, or what they might do tomorrow, were the must fucking honest guys I had ever met. I told a few close friends "It was like church, but everyone was honest!" Admission to wrong doing, humbleness to change and a strong and positive sense of self awareness was so . . . awesome to me, that I just wanted to come back.

So I did. The next night too (which was at a Denny's which is a crazy story in itself, for another time). And then a skipped a few nights, which I felt guilty for but it's all good.

Tonight I went to an AA meeting because a friend told me it was an MA meeting, but it was still relevant. Here were grown men and women, admitting that they had problems, that they struggled with sobriety, that they couldn't do it alone and that they were there to fix it. And the stories man, ... the honesty ... grown men breaking down and crying in front of other grown men. It's beautiful.

I see a long road ahead of me. But one of the mantras of the program is "Just For Today". So for the next 30 minutes, before the clock strikes midnight, I will not smoke pot. I will not get high. Tomorrow I'll make the same vow to myself. And the next day, and the next day.

I want to record what I'm thinking and what it's like to be here on the road to recovery. I don't know if I'll publish this to the world anytime soon - but maybe one day. Because to help myself I need to help others.

I could write all night. Jesus, I think this is the longest blog post I've ever written. I guess I can actually think - formulate complete sentences and express emotion. It's working... whatever "it" is.

Till the next time - Keep Coming Back, Cuz It Works.