Confusions of an Addict: Am I REALLY an Addict?

Am I an addict? I'm sitting here, listening to Dave Matthews Band (Live at Radio City, one of my favorite albums) and I'm thinking ... am I really an addict?

Musically growing up with Dave I know the guy went through spouts with cocaine, cigarettes, and loves to drink - but he's not an addict. Or at least he doesn't call himself one. He's been drinking forever, and he's not an addict - I only drank for 10 years, how can I be so sure that I'm an addict?

How I wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person. But why? Why do I "punish" myself from not having a drink here and there? How I wish I could smoke casually, whenever I wanted, and leave it alone.

I even thought tonight, I bet I could control my smoking. I didn't quit and stop that many times. Why do I think I'm an addict? Am I really an addict? I'm not as addicted as some people. I wish I didn't have this stigma of being an addict always hanging over my head.

But I've been sober for over a year. Something, be it a higher power, or coming to a low spot in my life, made me go to a 12 step meeting. That means something right?

Do I believe in anything that's put in front of my face?

HERE - God, Christianity, the Bible - believe this.

Uh...OK.

HERE - You're an ADDICT, 12 step, - believe this.

Uh...OK.

I know I have addictive tendencies. I know that I was OBSESSED with weed. I know that I lovvvvved to drink, and drink a lot. I know that it caused issues in my life. I know it caused me to lie, cheat and steal. It hurt those close to me. It affected my life negatively.

Perhaps I should go back to the NA.ORG and take the test again...

1. Do you ever use alone? Yes
 2. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that
one particular drug was the problem? Yes
 3. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor
to obtain prescription drugs? Yes
 4. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? Yes
 5. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? Yes
 6. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? Yes
 7. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? Yes
 8. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was
or what it would do to you? Yes
 9. Has your job or school performance ever suffered
from the effects of your drug use? Yes
10. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? No
11. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? Yes
12. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of
your financial responsibilities? Yes
13. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? Yes
14. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital, or drug rehabilitation center because of your using? No
15. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? Yes
16. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? Yes
17. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? Yes
18. Do you ever question your own sanity? Yes
19. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? Yes
20. Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time
without drugs? Yes
21. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? Yes
22. Do you think a lot about drugs? Yes
23. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? Yes
24. Has using affected your sexual relationships? Yes
25. Have you ever taken drugs you didn’t prefer? Yes
26. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? Yes
27. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? Yes
28. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? Yes
29. Do you think you might have a drug problem? Yes

OK, ok ok... Jesus. Calm the fuck down. I haven't been arrested or to jail, a hospital or drug rehabilitation center because of my using but I answered yes to the rest.

Fuck it - I don't want to have a "disease". I don't want to be known as an addict. I want to be able to drink with my friends, toke up and play video games, sip a whiskey by the fire, have a beer in the summer time, drink wine with my wife...

But why? I don't need to. I've proved that this past year.

365 Days of Completey Sobriety

I never imagined I would be a drug addict. I still think that sounds a little harsh.

13 years after trying marijuana for the first time, I never thought I'd not smoke it for 365 days straight.

Today I have been sober from weed and alcohol for 365 days.

Writing to No One.

All day long I stare into a screen. A screen which provides me news, entertainment, laughter, joy, sadness, hope, inspiration, apathy, contempt and boredom.

Wether it's a 4 inch screen, a 9 inch screen, a 15 in screen, a 27 inch screen or a 54 inch screen - it doesn't matter. The soft glow of a computer has dominated my life. I sit like a zombie, staring, typing, reading, watching, scrolling.

The screen has taken over my life. It's radiance is killing my eyes and zapping my brain.

I rarely paint, I rarely talk, I rarely engage with other humans - as we're all doing the pretty much the same thing. Being social by being anti social. Staying informed within closed doors. Writing to no one, sharing with everyone. Lying, coercing, creating perceptions of the perfect world we attempt to pretend to live.

Only when I'm outside of the hum of a computer do I feel alive, yet I spend more than half of my life zoned out in the confines of an office chair. Only when I'm engaging with others face to face do I sincerely laugh, or think, or engage, yet I continue to sit and stare and click.

Click. Click. Click.

Type. Type. Type.

What did I do before this screen I barely remember? When I was only a young teenager did the computer come into my home. I'd wait patiently as the dial tone brought up e-mail, rarely of any importance. I'd sit in the dark, worried to be caught, as pixel by pixel of naked girls slowly appeared on the screen. I'd start conversations with strangers in chat rooms and build fake relationships with random people, many of whom I can't remember nor do I want to. In high school there was a computer in every room, in college they gave us our own laptops, in my professional career I take a picture digitally, look at the screen and spend countless hours clicking, sliding, typing to deliver digital images to clients. Everything is digital.

Only the food I eat, the air I breathe, the water I drink, the furniture I sit on is real. Is this all real? What happens when the cloud fades away? What happens when there is no electricity to power our second brains? What happens when an earthquake hits and swallows up all the electronics? What happens when Google Glass is second nature, robots make everything we own and we're in more of a digital trance then we are now?

How do I break this addiction to the screen? I see children, often time my own, entranced with silly games, digitally conversing with their friends, wasting countless hours watching dulling videos, shows and using important brain power with worthless noise.

Only when I'm outside enjoying nature do I feel alive. The embrace of my wife, of my children, the hug of a friend or the eye contact with a stranger reminds me I'm human. That I have the most powerful computer inside of my own head. That the intricate workings on my body continue to work only by being recharged by natural sleep and consumption of natural fuel. The universe continues to work no matter if my phone is charged. The sun still shines regardless if my computer turns on. Birds still sing, plants still grow, rain still comes regardless if I'm caught up on the latest episode of Mad Men. My children continue to grow regardless if my inbox is down to 0. My wife still loves, and needs love, regardless of the next Facebook post. The world is still beautiful wether or not I share it on Instagram.

These are all things I need to be reminded of as I'm just a few clicks from turning off the machines for the day. 

Mass Confusion

It's another day - where I'm in the middle of laundry, I've got projects around the house to complete, and just a tiny bit of photography work to accomplish today.

But I want to do so much more. I want to pull out the Wacom tablet and digitally paint. I want to pull out the oils and get lost in a small canvas and pay attention to detail. I want to play Minecraft (we're being honest, right?). I need to work on my "steps", I need to file my taxes, organize shit for our garage sale, put contacts into MailChimp and I'm not even trying to put these in any kind of logistical order because that's how my brain is going these days.

I'm almost 30 (Philip DeFranco) and I think of those that have done something great before this age or that started doing something at 29 that became great, (Shay Carl)...

What am I going to do?

Don't get me wrong - I know what I'm doing is important... raising 2 babies. But even then I know I can be doing it so much better than I am. I know keeping our clothes clean, and butts wiped and mouths fed is muy importante but I want to change the world! When will it happen? Must I be patient and do something great in retirement? Or will I be the inventor of the next great app that changes lives?

I want to start a blog / finish a blog. I want to start a video series. I want to build up our H.E.L.P project. I want to blog more for our photography. I want to finish the children's book I haven't started yet.

There's so much to do and so little determination and/or time to do it!

Overwhelmed to say the least

I'm coming up on 7 months without a puff or a sip. And in 7 months my life has changed dramatically. For the better. But also for the crazier.

Right now I have so much on my plate. From family, to work, to relationships to my sobriety.

My wife and I decided to get pregnant, and before we knew it - we were. After many pregnancy tests and weeks if not months of "are we? or are we not?" a faint line showed up on a test and we celebrated. Due to the holidays we couldn't get to a doctor and almost a week after our joy and excitement had started to settle in, Stacey started to bleed. Not a lot, but enough for concern. And after a day, and a night when it got worse, we went to the E.R. to hear that she was having a miscarriage. Distraught and emotional, we waited days until we could get to her OBGYN. Upon meeting with him, he told us that he could not diagnose what the doctor at the ER told us, and he needed to do tests on my wife's blood. So we took it, he gave us the levels, told us to come back and do the test again and see if they (the HCG levels) went up. Today, we got word that they indeed did go up but not as much as he would like to see. More tests are needed. We're in a state of limbo. "Are we? Are we not?" Again. We thought we were, we thought we weren't, we thought we might be, now we're not sure what to think.

My wife lay sleeping in the next room, finally peaceful from an emotional day and I see her there sleeping and I'm scared. I'm scared for that little embryo inside of her, I'm scared for her, and I'm scared for our little family. If nothing comes to fruition than we'll try again - but this has taken a tole on us. Luckily, I'm not using and can handle the trauma, but it's tough. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to constantly hear about it and not know whether to be excited, to be mournful, to be hopeful or to be joyful. It is out of our control...completely. And I've been in this situation before - with my mom - to not know. To expect the worse but be playing the waiting game for test results and to be helpless.

While this is going on the biggest gig of my career lay on my computer, awaiting a ever pending deadline. I got a call today, moments before my wife called to tell me the doctor reported her HCG levels went up, that the deadline is being pushed forward to less than 2 weeks from today. I was already pushing it to complete everything on time and now they've changed the name of their college completely, need new logos, new type, new banners, new graphics and everything has to be rebranded on top of everything else that needs to be completed.

The most valuable lesson I learned in my short stint at college was to say "yes", and to convince the client that I have it all under control. That's what they're paying me for, and that's what I've done. But looking at the tasks that lay before me is daunting. 

Procrastination and Self Destruction

I struggle with two things as of late. Really. Only two things. (I'm being sarcastic), the two things I notice lately are procrastination and self destruction.

I procrastinate like it's my job. And it's probably what I've been used to doing for the past, oh, I dunno, 10 years. While I smoked weed, my daily motivation was to get high. Work until after lunch, and you can smoke a joint. Do all the work you need to get done and you can get drunk as shit tonight as a reward. Even then, probably due to the distraction that marijauna came with, I didn't do everything in a timely fashion. Hell, I procrastinated writing this little "blog" post, if I even make it public.

But I knew that I should write about it - because if I did, I could get a better grasp on what is making me procrastinate in the first place. But it's taken me until 11:11 pm tonight to get around to it. And there are a lot of really good reasons for it - the kids distract, I had real paid work to get done, I went out for a friends birthday party. And what's funny, that I jsut realized from writing, is that procrastination leads to more self destruction. But more on self destruction later.

I will wait days, weeks, MONTHS even to complete a job that takes an hour, or even half a hour. Take burning these DVDs and putting them in the mail. I promised I would do it 2 weeks ago - but didn't do it until today. And it took an hour tops. I didn't even have to go to the post office, which was my main deterrent in motivation. Another client wanted a collage, something I promised almost a month ago, and it took me a whole 20 minutes to make, upload, and e-mail to her. WTF?

Here I am, running my own business, wanting to be successful, wanting to make clients happy, but there's some deficiency in me that makes me procrastinate which I know, is hurting me slowly but surely. I don't get it. Other people do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in their power, in a timely and orderly fashion, and they are more successful. I know what it takes - I just don't do it.

Which leads me to being self destructive. For the longest time I smoked and drank like a chimney fish. After I quit smoking weed and drinking I still decided to smoke cigarettes. It's only now, tonight, that I feel I am not as self destructive as I once was. I haven't had a cigarette in ... well, long enough that I can't recall off the top of my head when I had one, but no more than a week. I still have destructive tendencies abundant. I will play video games until 2 in the morning when I know my children are going to wake me up at 6:45. I will eat shitty, greasy food and drink dark soda when I know that shit isn't going to make me feel good or help me live a long and healthy life. I procrastinate, which is a form of self destructiveness when you get down to it. It hurts my business, which hurts my career, which hurts my attitude, which affects my children and my wife. WHY? Why do I continue to self destruct?

Since the absence of weed and alcohol, I do feel less self destructive. And after running 11 days in a row, starting push ups and crunches tonight, I'm feeling better about the path I'm taking.

I want to live a long and prosperous life. I want to be around for my grandkids, and not attached to a breathing machine for a decade. I don't want to get cancer, I don't want to be out of shape or unhealthy. I want to have money for retirement and save money for my kid's education. I know these things. So why is it so hard to do the things that help me achieve my goals? When did the switch get switched to "Self Destruct"? It's time to turn it back to "Create" and "Prosper".

Part of me used to think it was the 'artist'. For whatever reason I thought artists needed to have self inflicted pain in order for their art to be "good". I dunno where that came from...

That's all I got.

MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - WHITE WALLS - FEAT. SCHOOLBOY Q AND HOLLIS (OF...

Jammin' to this song presently and I love it. I love everything Macklemore and Ryan Lewis...


These lyrics are off the hizzy! One day I'll write somethin' like this;

Man I’m lounging in some shit Bernie Mac would’ve been proud in
Looking down from heaven like damn that’s stylish
Smilin’, don’t pay attention to the mileage
Can I hit the freeway? I’m elegantly going 120
Easy weaving in and out of the traffic
They cannot catch me, I’m smashing
I’m ducking, bucking them out here
I’m looking fucking fantastic, I am up in a classic
Now I know what it’s like under the city lights
Riding into the night, driving over the bridge
The same one we walked across as kids
Knew I’d have a whip but never one like this
Old school, old school, candy paint, two seater
Yea, I’m from Seattle, there’s hella Honda Civics
I couldn’t tell you about paint either
But I really wanted a Caddy so I put in the hours
And roll on over to the dealer
And I found the car I dreamed of, junior, there's a problem with this geezer
Got the keys in and as I was leaving I started screaming...


I got that off-black Cadillac, midnight drive
Got that gas pedal, leaning back, taking my time
I’m rolling that roof off, letting in sky
I shine, the city never looked so bright
Something about this entire album has inspired me over the summer. Good stuff. Do you like Macklemore and Ryan Lewis? What's your favorite song?

Cheers!
-marc