Did you see this? This poor father... I don't know what he did to deserve this but those children should be taught a lesson...
Srsly.
Srsly.
Monday, November 03, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
A Lot Has Come Up
A lot has come up in the past few weeks and days. It was only last Saturday that the wife and I had a huge argument, leading me down a path of mental destruction and a pity party for the ages.
Later on in the week our Landlord decides he wants to raise rent, bringing the question up of - California? This house? Cheaper rent? WTF ARE WE DOING? Today we found a place we might move in to if the new Landlords are trusty individuals.
Funny that I still have an issue saying the word "Landlord" because I have such connotations with the word, "Lord", I associate it with Jesus Christ, of whom I do not believe to be the actual son of God because I believe we are all "sons of god" and that his words were misconstrued and have been taken literally for thousands of years.
Perhaps those, my family included, haven't thought as much as I have. (and this is why they believe the christian religion) ((not to say they haven't thought, but they haven't thought THAT)
Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of done drugs.
Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of become sober.
Jesus H. Christ (a form of expression if nothing else these days) I'm adding more onto my brain's plate to think about.
And today, after a long, yet successful photo shoot, I lost the money that was paid to me. Fuck.
So my wife said the other day, "I don't think you would've married me if you hadn't of accidentally gotten me pregnant". Before she has said, and was correct in saying so, "you asked me to marry you when you were high". Her doubts, fears and accusations are all warranted, which make it hard to hear.
I love her. I have come to love this woman more than any other woman in my life. I know this, but sometimes it's hard to see it. I don't know why. I wish I could shower her with the love she deserves every waking moment of the day. I have fleeting thoughts of "I should buy her flowers just for the hell of it" but those moments pass in a flurry of tasks and chores and screaming kids and before I know it I haven't planned a date in over 2 months and she's telling me she doesn't think I love her.
Perhaps there are truths to her words. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I see my old friends back in our home town, getting drunk at the lake and having fun, while I am here breaking up fights over if one or the other child gets to watch their favorite television program. I don't know, I'm rambling.
I'm hoping writing some of this shit out helps my brain categorize the important shit and discard the unimportant.
Sometimes I have issues standing up for myself and my family. There is something I should do, but I'd rather suffer than face confrontation. (A reason I love my wife, she encourages/pushes me to be a bigger and stronger man and face those fears and stand up for what I know is right).
I'm a pessimistic bastard who is afraid of change and would rather spend more money living in a house my family is not happy in than downsize and save money to purchase a home one day we all will love.
I want to make more money but I make excuses, such as my children, to hinder me from doing so. Because I'm afraid of success? There is some truth to my words, that child raising hinders one from going out there and experimenting and charging forward with a career.
I go from one minute of being happy, to the next of being confused and depressed.
Later on in the week our Landlord decides he wants to raise rent, bringing the question up of - California? This house? Cheaper rent? WTF ARE WE DOING? Today we found a place we might move in to if the new Landlords are trusty individuals.
Funny that I still have an issue saying the word "Landlord" because I have such connotations with the word, "Lord", I associate it with Jesus Christ, of whom I do not believe to be the actual son of God because I believe we are all "sons of god" and that his words were misconstrued and have been taken literally for thousands of years.
Perhaps those, my family included, haven't thought as much as I have. (and this is why they believe the christian religion) ((not to say they haven't thought, but they haven't thought THAT)
Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of done drugs.
Perhaps I wouldn't have thought as much as I have if I hadn't of become sober.
Jesus H. Christ (a form of expression if nothing else these days) I'm adding more onto my brain's plate to think about.
And today, after a long, yet successful photo shoot, I lost the money that was paid to me. Fuck.
So my wife said the other day, "I don't think you would've married me if you hadn't of accidentally gotten me pregnant". Before she has said, and was correct in saying so, "you asked me to marry you when you were high". Her doubts, fears and accusations are all warranted, which make it hard to hear.
I love her. I have come to love this woman more than any other woman in my life. I know this, but sometimes it's hard to see it. I don't know why. I wish I could shower her with the love she deserves every waking moment of the day. I have fleeting thoughts of "I should buy her flowers just for the hell of it" but those moments pass in a flurry of tasks and chores and screaming kids and before I know it I haven't planned a date in over 2 months and she's telling me she doesn't think I love her.
Perhaps there are truths to her words. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I see my old friends back in our home town, getting drunk at the lake and having fun, while I am here breaking up fights over if one or the other child gets to watch their favorite television program. I don't know, I'm rambling.
I'm hoping writing some of this shit out helps my brain categorize the important shit and discard the unimportant.
Sometimes I have issues standing up for myself and my family. There is something I should do, but I'd rather suffer than face confrontation. (A reason I love my wife, she encourages/pushes me to be a bigger and stronger man and face those fears and stand up for what I know is right).
I'm a pessimistic bastard who is afraid of change and would rather spend more money living in a house my family is not happy in than downsize and save money to purchase a home one day we all will love.
I want to make more money but I make excuses, such as my children, to hinder me from doing so. Because I'm afraid of success? There is some truth to my words, that child raising hinders one from going out there and experimenting and charging forward with a career.
I go from one minute of being happy, to the next of being confused and depressed.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Confusions of an Addict: Am I REALLY an Addict?
Am I an addict? I'm sitting here, listening to Dave Matthews Band (Live at Radio City, one of my favorite albums) and I'm thinking ... am I really an addict?
Musically growing up with Dave I know the guy went through spouts with cocaine, cigarettes, and loves to drink - but he's not an addict. Or at least he doesn't call himself one. He's been drinking forever, and he's not an addict - I only drank for 10 years, how can I be so sure that I'm an addict?
How I wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person. But why? Why do I "punish" myself from not having a drink here and there? How I wish I could smoke casually, whenever I wanted, and leave it alone.
I even thought tonight, I bet I could control my smoking. I didn't quit and stop that many times. Why do I think I'm an addict? Am I really an addict? I'm not as addicted as some people. I wish I didn't have this stigma of being an addict always hanging over my head.
But I've been sober for over a year. Something, be it a higher power, or coming to a low spot in my life, made me go to a 12 step meeting. That means something right?
Do I believe in anything that's put in front of my face?
HERE - God, Christianity, the Bible - believe this.
Uh...OK.
HERE - You're an ADDICT, 12 step, - believe this.
Uh...OK.
I know I have addictive tendencies. I know that I was OBSESSED with weed. I know that I lovvvvved to drink, and drink a lot. I know that it caused issues in my life. I know it caused me to lie, cheat and steal. It hurt those close to me. It affected my life negatively.
Perhaps I should go back to the NA.ORG and take the test again...
1. Do you ever use alone? Yes
2. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that
one particular drug was the problem? Yes
3. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor
to obtain prescription drugs? Yes
4. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? Yes
5. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? Yes
6. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? Yes
7. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? Yes
8. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was
or what it would do to you? Yes
9. Has your job or school performance ever suffered
from the effects of your drug use? Yes
10. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? No
11. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? Yes
12. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of
your financial responsibilities? Yes
13. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? Yes
14. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital, or drug rehabilitation center because of your using? No
15. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? Yes
16. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? Yes
17. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? Yes
18. Do you ever question your own sanity? Yes
19. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? Yes
20. Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time
without drugs? Yes
21. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? Yes
22. Do you think a lot about drugs? Yes
23. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? Yes
24. Has using affected your sexual relationships? Yes
25. Have you ever taken drugs you didn’t prefer? Yes
26. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? Yes
27. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? Yes
28. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? Yes
29. Do you think you might have a drug problem? Yes
OK, ok ok... Jesus. Calm the fuck down. I haven't been arrested or to jail, a hospital or drug rehabilitation center because of my using but I answered yes to the rest.
Fuck it - I don't want to have a "disease". I don't want to be known as an addict. I want to be able to drink with my friends, toke up and play video games, sip a whiskey by the fire, have a beer in the summer time, drink wine with my wife...
But why? I don't need to. I've proved that this past year.
Musically growing up with Dave I know the guy went through spouts with cocaine, cigarettes, and loves to drink - but he's not an addict. Or at least he doesn't call himself one. He's been drinking forever, and he's not an addict - I only drank for 10 years, how can I be so sure that I'm an addict?
How I wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person. But why? Why do I "punish" myself from not having a drink here and there? How I wish I could smoke casually, whenever I wanted, and leave it alone.
I even thought tonight, I bet I could control my smoking. I didn't quit and stop that many times. Why do I think I'm an addict? Am I really an addict? I'm not as addicted as some people. I wish I didn't have this stigma of being an addict always hanging over my head.
But I've been sober for over a year. Something, be it a higher power, or coming to a low spot in my life, made me go to a 12 step meeting. That means something right?
Do I believe in anything that's put in front of my face?
HERE - God, Christianity, the Bible - believe this.
Uh...OK.
HERE - You're an ADDICT, 12 step, - believe this.
Uh...OK.
I know I have addictive tendencies. I know that I was OBSESSED with weed. I know that I lovvvvved to drink, and drink a lot. I know that it caused issues in my life. I know it caused me to lie, cheat and steal. It hurt those close to me. It affected my life negatively.
Perhaps I should go back to the NA.ORG and take the test again...
1. Do you ever use alone? Yes
2. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that
one particular drug was the problem? Yes
3. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor
to obtain prescription drugs? Yes
4. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? Yes
5. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? Yes
6. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? Yes
7. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? Yes
8. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was
or what it would do to you? Yes
9. Has your job or school performance ever suffered
from the effects of your drug use? Yes
10. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? No
11. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? Yes
12. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of
your financial responsibilities? Yes
13. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? Yes
14. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital, or drug rehabilitation center because of your using? No
15. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? Yes
16. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? Yes
17. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? Yes
18. Do you ever question your own sanity? Yes
19. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? Yes
20. Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time
without drugs? Yes
21. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? Yes
22. Do you think a lot about drugs? Yes
23. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? Yes
24. Has using affected your sexual relationships? Yes
25. Have you ever taken drugs you didn’t prefer? Yes
26. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? Yes
27. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? Yes
28. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? Yes
29. Do you think you might have a drug problem? Yes
OK, ok ok... Jesus. Calm the fuck down. I haven't been arrested or to jail, a hospital or drug rehabilitation center because of my using but I answered yes to the rest.
Fuck it - I don't want to have a "disease". I don't want to be known as an addict. I want to be able to drink with my friends, toke up and play video games, sip a whiskey by the fire, have a beer in the summer time, drink wine with my wife...
But why? I don't need to. I've proved that this past year.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
365 Days of Completey Sobriety
I never imagined I would be a drug addict. I still think that sounds a little harsh.
13 years after trying marijuana for the first time, I never thought I'd not smoke it for 365 days straight.
Today I have been sober from weed and alcohol for 365 days.
13 years after trying marijuana for the first time, I never thought I'd not smoke it for 365 days straight.
Today I have been sober from weed and alcohol for 365 days.
Friday, April 04, 2014
Writing to No One.
All day long I stare into a screen. A screen which provides me news, entertainment, laughter, joy, sadness, hope, inspiration, apathy, contempt and boredom.
Wether it's a 4 inch screen, a 9 inch screen, a 15 in screen, a 27 inch screen or a 54 inch screen - it doesn't matter. The soft glow of a computer has dominated my life. I sit like a zombie, staring, typing, reading, watching, scrolling.
The screen has taken over my life. It's radiance is killing my eyes and zapping my brain.
I rarely paint, I rarely talk, I rarely engage with other humans - as we're all doing the pretty much the same thing. Being social by being anti social. Staying informed within closed doors. Writing to no one, sharing with everyone. Lying, coercing, creating perceptions of the perfect world we attempt to pretend to live.
Only when I'm outside of the hum of a computer do I feel alive, yet I spend more than half of my life zoned out in the confines of an office chair. Only when I'm engaging with others face to face do I sincerely laugh, or think, or engage, yet I continue to sit and stare and click.
Click. Click. Click.
Type. Type. Type.
What did I do before this screen I barely remember? When I was only a young teenager did the computer come into my home. I'd wait patiently as the dial tone brought up e-mail, rarely of any importance. I'd sit in the dark, worried to be caught, as pixel by pixel of naked girls slowly appeared on the screen. I'd start conversations with strangers in chat rooms and build fake relationships with random people, many of whom I can't remember nor do I want to. In high school there was a computer in every room, in college they gave us our own laptops, in my professional career I take a picture digitally, look at the screen and spend countless hours clicking, sliding, typing to deliver digital images to clients. Everything is digital.
Only the food I eat, the air I breathe, the water I drink, the furniture I sit on is real. Is this all real? What happens when the cloud fades away? What happens when there is no electricity to power our second brains? What happens when an earthquake hits and swallows up all the electronics? What happens when Google Glass is second nature, robots make everything we own and we're in more of a digital trance then we are now?
How do I break this addiction to the screen? I see children, often time my own, entranced with silly games, digitally conversing with their friends, wasting countless hours watching dulling videos, shows and using important brain power with worthless noise.
Only when I'm outside enjoying nature do I feel alive. The embrace of my wife, of my children, the hug of a friend or the eye contact with a stranger reminds me I'm human. That I have the most powerful computer inside of my own head. That the intricate workings on my body continue to work only by being recharged by natural sleep and consumption of natural fuel. The universe continues to work no matter if my phone is charged. The sun still shines regardless if my computer turns on. Birds still sing, plants still grow, rain still comes regardless if I'm caught up on the latest episode of Mad Men. My children continue to grow regardless if my inbox is down to 0. My wife still loves, and needs love, regardless of the next Facebook post. The world is still beautiful wether or not I share it on Instagram.
These are all things I need to be reminded of as I'm just a few clicks from turning off the machines for the day.
Wether it's a 4 inch screen, a 9 inch screen, a 15 in screen, a 27 inch screen or a 54 inch screen - it doesn't matter. The soft glow of a computer has dominated my life. I sit like a zombie, staring, typing, reading, watching, scrolling.
The screen has taken over my life. It's radiance is killing my eyes and zapping my brain.
I rarely paint, I rarely talk, I rarely engage with other humans - as we're all doing the pretty much the same thing. Being social by being anti social. Staying informed within closed doors. Writing to no one, sharing with everyone. Lying, coercing, creating perceptions of the perfect world we attempt to pretend to live.
Only when I'm outside of the hum of a computer do I feel alive, yet I spend more than half of my life zoned out in the confines of an office chair. Only when I'm engaging with others face to face do I sincerely laugh, or think, or engage, yet I continue to sit and stare and click.
Click. Click. Click.
Type. Type. Type.
What did I do before this screen I barely remember? When I was only a young teenager did the computer come into my home. I'd wait patiently as the dial tone brought up e-mail, rarely of any importance. I'd sit in the dark, worried to be caught, as pixel by pixel of naked girls slowly appeared on the screen. I'd start conversations with strangers in chat rooms and build fake relationships with random people, many of whom I can't remember nor do I want to. In high school there was a computer in every room, in college they gave us our own laptops, in my professional career I take a picture digitally, look at the screen and spend countless hours clicking, sliding, typing to deliver digital images to clients. Everything is digital.
Only the food I eat, the air I breathe, the water I drink, the furniture I sit on is real. Is this all real? What happens when the cloud fades away? What happens when there is no electricity to power our second brains? What happens when an earthquake hits and swallows up all the electronics? What happens when Google Glass is second nature, robots make everything we own and we're in more of a digital trance then we are now?
How do I break this addiction to the screen? I see children, often time my own, entranced with silly games, digitally conversing with their friends, wasting countless hours watching dulling videos, shows and using important brain power with worthless noise.
Only when I'm outside enjoying nature do I feel alive. The embrace of my wife, of my children, the hug of a friend or the eye contact with a stranger reminds me I'm human. That I have the most powerful computer inside of my own head. That the intricate workings on my body continue to work only by being recharged by natural sleep and consumption of natural fuel. The universe continues to work no matter if my phone is charged. The sun still shines regardless if my computer turns on. Birds still sing, plants still grow, rain still comes regardless if I'm caught up on the latest episode of Mad Men. My children continue to grow regardless if my inbox is down to 0. My wife still loves, and needs love, regardless of the next Facebook post. The world is still beautiful wether or not I share it on Instagram.
These are all things I need to be reminded of as I'm just a few clicks from turning off the machines for the day.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Mass Confusion
It's another day - where I'm in the middle of laundry, I've got projects around the house to complete, and just a tiny bit of photography work to accomplish today.
But I want to do so much more. I want to pull out the Wacom tablet and digitally paint. I want to pull out the oils and get lost in a small canvas and pay attention to detail. I want to play Minecraft (we're being honest, right?). I need to work on my "steps", I need to file my taxes, organize shit for our garage sale, put contacts into MailChimp and I'm not even trying to put these in any kind of logistical order because that's how my brain is going these days.
I'm almost 30 (Philip DeFranco) and I think of those that have done something great before this age or that started doing something at 29 that became great, (Shay Carl)...
What am I going to do?
Don't get me wrong - I know what I'm doing is important... raising 2 babies. But even then I know I can be doing it so much better than I am. I know keeping our clothes clean, and butts wiped and mouths fed is muy importante but I want to change the world! When will it happen? Must I be patient and do something great in retirement? Or will I be the inventor of the next great app that changes lives?
I want to start a blog / finish a blog. I want to start a video series. I want to build up our H.E.L.P project. I want to blog more for our photography. I want to finish the children's book I haven't started yet.
There's so much to do and so little determination and/or time to do it!
But I want to do so much more. I want to pull out the Wacom tablet and digitally paint. I want to pull out the oils and get lost in a small canvas and pay attention to detail. I want to play Minecraft (we're being honest, right?). I need to work on my "steps", I need to file my taxes, organize shit for our garage sale, put contacts into MailChimp and I'm not even trying to put these in any kind of logistical order because that's how my brain is going these days.
I'm almost 30 (Philip DeFranco) and I think of those that have done something great before this age or that started doing something at 29 that became great, (Shay Carl)...
What am I going to do?
Don't get me wrong - I know what I'm doing is important... raising 2 babies. But even then I know I can be doing it so much better than I am. I know keeping our clothes clean, and butts wiped and mouths fed is muy importante but I want to change the world! When will it happen? Must I be patient and do something great in retirement? Or will I be the inventor of the next great app that changes lives?
I want to start a blog / finish a blog. I want to start a video series. I want to build up our H.E.L.P project. I want to blog more for our photography. I want to finish the children's book I haven't started yet.
There's so much to do and so little determination and/or time to do it!
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
Overwhelmed to say the least
I'm coming up on 7 months without a puff or a sip. And in 7 months my life has changed dramatically. For the better. But also for the crazier.
Right now I have so much on my plate. From family, to work, to relationships to my sobriety.
My wife and I decided to get pregnant, and before we knew it - we were. After many pregnancy tests and weeks if not months of "are we? or are we not?" a faint line showed up on a test and we celebrated. Due to the holidays we couldn't get to a doctor and almost a week after our joy and excitement had started to settle in, Stacey started to bleed. Not a lot, but enough for concern. And after a day, and a night when it got worse, we went to the E.R. to hear that she was having a miscarriage. Distraught and emotional, we waited days until we could get to her OBGYN. Upon meeting with him, he told us that he could not diagnose what the doctor at the ER told us, and he needed to do tests on my wife's blood. So we took it, he gave us the levels, told us to come back and do the test again and see if they (the HCG levels) went up. Today, we got word that they indeed did go up but not as much as he would like to see. More tests are needed. We're in a state of limbo. "Are we? Are we not?" Again. We thought we were, we thought we weren't, we thought we might be, now we're not sure what to think.
My wife lay sleeping in the next room, finally peaceful from an emotional day and I see her there sleeping and I'm scared. I'm scared for that little embryo inside of her, I'm scared for her, and I'm scared for our little family. If nothing comes to fruition than we'll try again - but this has taken a tole on us. Luckily, I'm not using and can handle the trauma, but it's tough. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to constantly hear about it and not know whether to be excited, to be mournful, to be hopeful or to be joyful. It is out of our control...completely. And I've been in this situation before - with my mom - to not know. To expect the worse but be playing the waiting game for test results and to be helpless.
While this is going on the biggest gig of my career lay on my computer, awaiting a ever pending deadline. I got a call today, moments before my wife called to tell me the doctor reported her HCG levels went up, that the deadline is being pushed forward to less than 2 weeks from today. I was already pushing it to complete everything on time and now they've changed the name of their college completely, need new logos, new type, new banners, new graphics and everything has to be rebranded on top of everything else that needs to be completed.
The most valuable lesson I learned in my short stint at college was to say "yes", and to convince the client that I have it all under control. That's what they're paying me for, and that's what I've done. But looking at the tasks that lay before me is daunting.
Right now I have so much on my plate. From family, to work, to relationships to my sobriety.
My wife and I decided to get pregnant, and before we knew it - we were. After many pregnancy tests and weeks if not months of "are we? or are we not?" a faint line showed up on a test and we celebrated. Due to the holidays we couldn't get to a doctor and almost a week after our joy and excitement had started to settle in, Stacey started to bleed. Not a lot, but enough for concern. And after a day, and a night when it got worse, we went to the E.R. to hear that she was having a miscarriage. Distraught and emotional, we waited days until we could get to her OBGYN. Upon meeting with him, he told us that he could not diagnose what the doctor at the ER told us, and he needed to do tests on my wife's blood. So we took it, he gave us the levels, told us to come back and do the test again and see if they (the HCG levels) went up. Today, we got word that they indeed did go up but not as much as he would like to see. More tests are needed. We're in a state of limbo. "Are we? Are we not?" Again. We thought we were, we thought we weren't, we thought we might be, now we're not sure what to think.
My wife lay sleeping in the next room, finally peaceful from an emotional day and I see her there sleeping and I'm scared. I'm scared for that little embryo inside of her, I'm scared for her, and I'm scared for our little family. If nothing comes to fruition than we'll try again - but this has taken a tole on us. Luckily, I'm not using and can handle the trauma, but it's tough. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to constantly hear about it and not know whether to be excited, to be mournful, to be hopeful or to be joyful. It is out of our control...completely. And I've been in this situation before - with my mom - to not know. To expect the worse but be playing the waiting game for test results and to be helpless.
While this is going on the biggest gig of my career lay on my computer, awaiting a ever pending deadline. I got a call today, moments before my wife called to tell me the doctor reported her HCG levels went up, that the deadline is being pushed forward to less than 2 weeks from today. I was already pushing it to complete everything on time and now they've changed the name of their college completely, need new logos, new type, new banners, new graphics and everything has to be rebranded on top of everything else that needs to be completed.
The most valuable lesson I learned in my short stint at college was to say "yes", and to convince the client that I have it all under control. That's what they're paying me for, and that's what I've done. But looking at the tasks that lay before me is daunting.
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