What night is it?

Here I am. On location. In a different state making pictures for money. I'm taking pictures that thousands of people all around the world will want to see. That's pretty cool. I'm pretty lucky, and blessed to be able to be doing what I love for a living. I get to hang out with my best friend as he does something he loves to do and we get to live life and co-exist together. Life really isn't that bad.
But sometimes ... sometimes it gets to ya. It creeps up, slowly and a mountain of past actions crumbles at your feet. They all come back to get you, every single last word. Every decision has consequences that follows, good or bad. Life never stops. Until it does.
If life never stops until it does it's worth the time to ensure you enjoy life. And to figure out how to enjoy life do you have to go through periods where you don't enjoy it so much? That's rhetorical. I know that you do, but that's weird.
I look at old men, happy old men and wonder if I will turn out to be like them. Have everything figured out, everything's in order, you're all set to die. Until then, and until death, I suppose, how do you really appreciate every moment? Cuz some moments just suck. And there's nothing more than you wanna do than close your eyes and sleep it all away. I know you "get through them" but what about when you're in 'em?
I have reason to be sad, I broke another girl's heart. I'm notorious for doing this and don't know why. can't stand myself for doing it but it always happens. And I wanna get to know myself before I commit to anything. I gotta be happy with myself, not that I'm not already, but truly content. Truly satisfied that I've done everything in my personal power alone to become a better person. Not relying on anyone or anything but me to be the best I can be. (go army)
There's a lot of changes that I need to make. That I am making. That I will always be making. I fear I will never be content. Not in work, nor relationships, or anything else. I want to be content. I desire contentment ...
Nothing's wrong. Don't think something's wrong. This is typical Marc drama hoo ha. No worries. I'm eating well, sleeping enough and am currently pretty healthy...I'm just thinking a lot. A lot a lot. And now, being single again, feeling truly alone in a big scary world, I'm thinking overtime.