every day.

Every day I wake up and my day begins. I decide how my day is going to unfold. This decision usually takes the entire day and is decided by many ever changing variables. No day is never the same even if they all blur together by similar motions.

My life is up to me. Down to every single moment in every single one of my days. My attitude, diet, soundtrack, emotions, relationships and organic milk. I live where I want to live, with who I like and because I want to. I'm sitting on my couch right now posting a blog because I want to.

You create your own conflicts. You cause your own drama. You invent your own happiness and hold on to your depression for just a little bit longer than "normal". Because you can.

My mind is always thinking. For thoughts to catch hold, or dreams to become reality and projects to actually be completed - takes a lot of focus. I'm easy to fall in love and quick to drop something good. I turn quiet in loud situations and talk at awkward times. I'm motivated but laziness. I have everything at my finger tips and still walk away. I say things I don't mean and then back them up in front of other people. I can't concentrate for longer than a few minutes, and long term goals are long term.

i love a lot of things. want to do it all. see it all, go everywhere and do everything. act, sing, perform on stage, paint on the side of a building, go to amsterdam, record a music video, pose naked for a photographer, quit smoking, smoke more. play the piano. visit my mom's grave. tare at the wall.

what do you want? what do i want. do i want to sit in front of a computer screen every day? do i want to be lazy and unemployed? do i want to keep blaming small distractions for my lack of success. Though some would call my successful and I could just believe them and keep on living in my lies of distractions. Do i want to tell you this, or capitalize my i's?

i don't know and i think every day that i wake up i will still have absolutely no clue. i think i'll call myself a photographer for now for that's what makes me happy. i think i'll find projects along the way and make just enough money to survive but never know if i'll be ok or not. i think every day i'll think about what i'm thinking about and try to figure myself out all over again.

i see old guys walking down the street alone. with a meal for one in their plastic bag from ralphs. i wonder if that will be me? with ipod in hand and completely alone. i wonder if i'll eat all my meals alone and if this conversation inside my head will ever be shared.

with everyone trying to be noticed ... to reach fame, success and acknowledgment from the universe - i think i'd be ok to slip into anonymity. i used to think i wanted to be a household name. i used to think i wanted to change the world. make a difference. affect this world positively.

now i don't think so.

positive energy is hard to contain.

these are just ramblings going on inside my head today.